A Right Need

Origination

“It is not wrong to want to be loved, my beloved,” he said.  I sensed he felt my shame.  His sympathetic stare seemed to cloak my naked soul with the compassion that laced every word that he spoke. 

 And then he said, “Its only wrong to want it and to be the only one giving it.”

Well, that was a no brainer, but somehow hearing him say it was something so new and refreshing.  It was like milk to a newborn baby, and for the first time my soul longed to suckle on this truth.

I wanted more.  No, the truth is that I was starving for all that he had to offer now.

“Love is the dance of two souls that meet when they are drawn to the same source of origination of peace.  Do you understand?” he asked.  I knew he didn’t want an answer, and I had none to offer.  My soul was too busy drinking it all in.

So he went on to tell me that my mother was not my original source of peace.  It was a wrong attachment from the beginning of my life. 

“A wrong attachment!" I said, choking on my unbelief.  “Is this what it's all about?”  I asked him.  Part of me wanted it to be that simple; the part that was thriving now on the truth he had just fed my love starved soul.  The other part wanted a better reason than this for all the disappointment and despair I had to experience up to now.  Was I wrong to want something more solid for my suffering.  Something I could chew on, rationalize and digest in my own system of failing health.

If it was that simple, that would explain a lot of things that I felt growing up.  Like how I never thought that I quite fit in my family.  The odd one out, I sometimes had the crazy notion that I was adopted, or the illegitimate child of an affair my mother had while my father was deployed.  Of course, my birth certificate ruled out those shoddy scenarios.  Nonetheless, it was how I felt deep down in the secret caverns of my thought and emotional life.  What a way to grow up!

Still, there was something so comforting about entertaining the thought of finding my origination of peace.  For what it was worth, I was aware, all be it a small awareness, of a right need to love and to be loved now.