i'm legit about to jump off a bridge but it's fine lmao

fun times

Ok so hello.

I'm sure you've known about this for awhile since I already told you but my overthinking ass needs closure. Again.

Please bear with me.

aNyWaYs SoOoo.

I know I already told that I have super strong feelings towards you, and I'm sure you know that, but no matter what I do they won't seem to go away & it's kinda driving me fucking insane, because I'm not sure if I even want them to.

Like I've been thinking about this for a while because I was so sure that they would eventually fade but it's like.. Every time I think I do it's like it'll be something as small as meeting someone with the same name as you, or even like specific songs.

In a way I think I could eventually let them fade but I'm kinda holding myself back, because I don't want them to.

Does that make any sense? I don't know if it does to you but it does to me.

And on top of that, the thing you wrote a while back, I'm ngl, did confuse the fuck out of me. Because I wasn't sure if I should just like... wait? And I know you said that I should like, move on and find someone else but it's like... I literally just can't get you out of my head. I've tried so many times, like talking to other people and whatever, but I either get played, or I'm just constantly comparing them to you and I realize that it's not fair of me to do that but I can't stop myself.

I know you don't wanna do long distance, and trust me, I'm not very keen on it either but it's kinda like, we're already so close & I can't get you out of my head so it personally doesn't make any difference to me. I don't mind waiting for you, if doing distance means I get to have you, I can do it, but I totally understand if you don't feel the same way.

Of course I would never want to pressure you into anything you don't want but like.. I think you get what I mean.

since I'm really just letting everything out here, in a way I kinda feel like I'm your backup plan...? Like if you're not on the phone with I think her name's Meghan? Meagan? There're so many different spellings so I'm SORRY if I used the wrong one lmao oops. Or if you're not talking to her or Seven you'll come to me just so you can like.. Idk reassurance or just not feel alone or whatever? Kinda just like I'm the last resort. Like I don't give a shit if you have friends, I'm not gonna even try to control you or whatever because that's just.. Awful and manipulative & I hope that's not how I'm coming across.

Obviously you're not gonna talk to me 24/7 and that's fine. Or even if you just don't feel like talking to anyone, that's fine, I understand that. But I genuinely feel like you're only coming to me when you need something. And I don't even know if you realize it, but most of the time you're complaining about something Seven did.

& I'm not trying to be like yOu CoMpLaIn ToO mUcH because I know I rant to you a LOT. Like a LOT. But I've never felt like anyone's first option, and it's fine if I'm not, but it's not even like I'm second or third or fourth or fifth or whatever, you get what I mean? I feel like I'm the last option. Like dead last.

& maybe I just misinterpreted and Im overthinking it but I thought we were closer than that.

Anyways.

I just kinda wanted to come out & say that because it's been driving me absolutely insane. And please, I want your feedback, what you're thinking. Because I need to know if you want anything out of this or not. I don't know if you even feel that way towards me anymore & it's totally fine if you don't, I understand.

But I've said this before, and I'll say it again, it's driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. I'm constantly just... Idk. Hurting about it?

If you want something out of it, I've been kinda just waiting for you to say something but I didn't know if you were either keeping those feelings to yourself or you just don't feel the same.

In conclusion, I'm tired of feeling like I'm so helpless & kinda just making a mountain of a molehill because I feel like the situation is so much bigger than I am because I've been too scared to say anything when in reality it's really not that big of a deal.

Well.

It kinda is but I hope you understand.

alsooo.. low key may or may not have had my sister edit this so if it's super formal or doesn't really sound like me that's why lmao