Skulduggery Pleasant One Shots

Skulduggery Is Mary Poppins

Warning: This one-shot contains mild coarse language. For once.

The SP fandom on Tumblr is full of nonsense and honestly? I'm here for it. I've transcribed some shitposts for you all as my own handy dandy crackfics. I'm so sorry. The idea belongs to the fandom, not me. 

The dancing autumn-coloured flames reassuringly crackled, its warmth casting the shadows of the snuggling Dead Men against Ghastly's shop wall. Vaguely porcelain clinks came from the kitchen, accompanied by the occasional cuss.

Saracen was missing Dexter's body heat. He snuggled further into the blanket, feeling the fuzz envelop him like a parent's hug or the warm sun caressing your back. He hoped Dexter would be back soon. He rotated his head toward the kitchen, feeling the blanket ride up against his neck, and felt the familiar vibrating in his skull as he switched on his magic. A grin tugged at the corners of his mouth, seeing Dexter painstakingly making sure the drinks were perfect. He turned back around. He felt confusion prickle at the warm fuzz surrounding his brain.

"Skulduggery," Saracen begins warily. The skeleton tilted his head signalling he was listening. "What's that in your rib-cage?"

It was in that exact moment that Dexter walked out to Valkyrie losing it on the floor. He shuffled over to Saracen, slightly concerned, handing him his hot chocolate. Saracen glanced at the sugary treat and grinned at the little marshmallows bobbing in the rich brown waves.

"Thanks," Saracen warmly whispered into Dexter's ear. The man wormed his way back into the blanket, pressing his body against Saracen's, shivering. Saracen could feel him seeping out his heat. "You're freezing!" He hissed.

Dexter closed his eyes snuggling further against Saracen, mumbling into his shoulder while simultaneously clutching his cocoa to his chest. "And you're warm..." He sighed affectionately. That man was like a kitten. An insufferable kitten. He slurped some the drink Dexter game him, feeling the heat spread from the liquid. Dexter was still shivering against him. Saracen tapped his head.

"Dexter?" He delicately stated.

"Mm?" He sounded so sleepy.

"Drink your chocolate. You'll warm up faster." Dexter shuffled off Saracen a bit, sipping his drink before seeming to remember Valkyrie rolling on the floor with tears of laughter. He jabbed a thumb in her direction.

"What's up with her?"

Saracen shrugged. "She went off like that when I asked what was in Skulduggery's rib-cage." Dexter smirked, suddenly looking way to alert for Saracen's liking.

"You really don't know what's in Skulduggery's ribs?" He asked mischievously.

Saracen shook his head, trying to erase the memory of seeing an inflatable boat in there. Dexter set down his chocolate and rubbed his hands together in a mixture of trying to warm up and anticipation.

"Oh, have we got a treat for you." He faced the other Dead Men, who were all snuggled in some corner of the room or in a chair. "Men! It's story time for Saracen!"

Ghastly, who was discussing something with Tanith, gave Dexter a vaguely amused look. "What's it this time Vex?"

Dexter face split impishly. "The contents of Skulduggery's ribs."

"Oh yes, just speak of me as if I weren't here."

"This tale begins many meetings ago..." Valkyrie began ominously after having ceased her hysterical wheezing.

---This flashback is brought to you by Sexter---

Valkyrie had zoned out from the meeting some time ago; Ravel's monologue on interior decoration having long turned into meaningless droning. She pretended to inspect her nails, finding the pointless acting barely more exciting than whatever the Grand Mage was blathering on about. Something rustled next to her ear, warranting her to glance sideways, choking on shock at what she saw.