I absentmindedly entered my bedroom, removed my jacket and cap, unconsciously dived in to my bed. Thinking about myself.
I laughed.
Akala nila masaya maging sikat, kilala ka kahit saan ka magpunta, kilala ka sa social media, kilala ka at hinahangaan ng iba, kilala ka na masaya at walang problema.
Akala lang nila.
My phone kept on buzzing because of the notifications. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Youtube, Wattpad, Tiktok.
I sometimes want to turn it off. I sometimes want to hear it buzzing, too.
I sometimes want to throw it on the wall. I sometimes want to respond to the people who are the reason of my phone buzzing, too.
I, sometimes can't understand myself.
What is happening to me?
I was happy doing this kind of things, I was happy creating unique videos for people. I was happy singing and dancing in front of thousands of people. I was happy writing the stories inside my head. I was.
Is it really possible?
Posible ba talagang mawala lahat ng interes at kagustuhan sa lahat ng ginagawa ko?
'Hindi naman maganda'
'Ang pangit naman ng sayaw niya'
'Ang sakit sa tenga 'yang boses niya!'
'Ano ba 'yan, hindi pantay ang ngipin'
'Ang attitude naman, sumikat lang ganyan na ang ugali'
The thought of it is making me crazy. Gusto ko magalit, gusto ko magwala, gusto ko umiyak. Gusto ko sila sumbatan.
I laughed once again.
I laughed hard.
I was staring at the ceiling. Thinking about my life. Do I want this? Do I really love what I am doing? Is this worth it? Is this making me happy? Even if it is killing me?
I smiled.
Akala nila masaya ako, nakukuha at nagagawa ko daw ang lahat ng bagay. Akala nila sobrang saya ko dahil marami ang pera ko, marami ang nag susuporta sa akin, marami ang mga taong gusto rin maging kagaya ko.
I laughed again, to the point that I can feel my tears falling.
They don't know anything.
I am happy in front of everyone. I am happy in front of my family, friends, and supporters.
They didn't know that it was just a fucking mask.
Why are you guys so cruel?
I stood up from my bed, went to my drawer, got the pills, and smiled.
Nababaliw na yata ako.
I drank all the pills. I laughed again. Went to my bed and laid down.
Everybody thought I was happy doing this for them. The people thought every human being WHO got EVERYTHING they WANTED in their lives are happy. Everybody thinks that, if you achieved your goals, YOU are happy.
No.
Never....
A lone tear fell from my eyes. I smiled as I close my eyes, thinking if when will I be good enough.
I laughed one last time.
Akala lang nila...
E N D
_____________
I wrote this in the middle of the night, thinking if,
Do all the famous people out there happy? Or not?
Please do THINK FIRST before commenting or give feedbacks to people.
Hindi natin alam ano ang epekto 'non sa kanila.
Think first.
Spread love.
Peace.
Thank you for reading.
-pearlyclareea
