Dear me,
I haven't been doing so well lately. Mother has been sick, and I've been under much more pressure than normal. I've cooked dinner multiple nights in a row, and I hate cooking. I always burn it.
I can't complain though, mom has made my sisters do more, which is surprising. Elizabeth has been doing a bit more, not much though. Elaine is a brat, as always. I'm not surprised anymore when she randomly, but means to, make me upset. I have a short temper, and they love to mess with me. Its horrible, then they expect me to do shit for them!
The other day was horrible. Mom woke me up, I hadn't had a shower since Saturday, my stepdad took one before our bed time Monday, and it was now Tuesday, and made everyone come to town.
She cant walk properly and it hurts her to, so she made me go into two stores to pull out cash. One from a atm machine, the other one I also had to buy cat litter, so I had to get it from the cashier lady.
I hate being in public, and the Friday before mom had been yelling at me because I dont feel comfortable in a bathing suit. Yes, I am bigger, and I know I should get up and exercise, but I never have the energy to. My body just won't let me. The whole week before she did this, however, I kinda, might have, starved myself... I would only eat dinner, sometimes a small lunch, and small dinner.
Anyways, then she made me go into the grocery store. Didnt tell me what we needed or anything. I hadn't been home in 3 days, I had no clue what to get. She said get 'get something (she claims she said like) chicken alfredo stuff.' So I went in, they didnt have any carts in the store, and I'd feel rude to go back out. I walking down every lane at least twice, and couldn't find it. I only found spaghetti. But mom said chicken alfredo. So I texted her.
"Hey I cant find it"
No answer for like a minute
" mom, it's not with the spaghetti stuff"
Still no answer.
I grabbed the noodles, and garlic bread, and texted again.
" mom please, I cant find it and I'm about to cry what do I do?"
I was really almost crying, and she called and was like ' just get some Asian chicken stuff and see if they have any chicken on sale in the back.'
So I did. I had two bags of chicken strip things, a bag of frozen chicken, and garlic bread in my hand. I didnt want to be in there longer, so I payed and left.
When I got to the car, mom started yelling at me, because she wanted me to get more stuff. 'Not just two bags' I didnt know what to get, I hadn't been home in 3 days. I didnt back talk, or anything but she stayed mad at me for a long time. When we got home, I stayed in the car while she was talking to my grandma on the phone. After a bit I went in.
I cried a bit... I cut myself... and then I took a nap. Then later, mom called me in her room, and told me: you need to stop with this liz. You act like a bitch, and you always have an attitude. I have to go to the doctor's this Friday, so you need to help more.
Then I cooked dinner. No one has noticed the scars on my wrist, not my new, not my old. Sure, I dont shout: i self harm! But still, I've been near them. I've done dishes while mom was in the livingroom multiple times. They didnt care when I said I might have depression. I think it's a strong possibility, I cant remember the last time I truly felt happy, for more than a minute. When I told them, mom, she said I was doing it for attention.
Sometimes I think I might, but she only found out a few months ago, and this has been going on longer. There has been points were I've wanted to kill myself, multiple times a day, everyday for a while.
Right now, its pretty bad, but if I die right now, my siblings would probably find my cold, dead body. I dont want that for them. I may feel like I dont deserve to live, they shouldn't have to see something like that. It would scar them, they are all under 10. I'm basically like a mother to them, considering my mom, though she does take care of us, cant do everything for 4 kids alone.
My step dad, is an asshole. He got fired from his job a few months before the covid-19, and hasn't had a job until now. Durning his no job time, he slept, ate, did nothing, yelled at us if the house wasn't clean even though he was the main problem, and just didnt do anything. He never does anything. He got a job, barely working, when he had multiple jobs with more hours, and more money but noooo he had to be mr bigshot. Get a job he didnt know anything about, for a small company that's about to go put of business.
Well, anyways, goodbye for now.
