𝑁𝑜 𝑇𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐵𝑎𝑐𝑘

C h a p t e r 3 0

I could hear it. I could clearly hear my heart beating loudly inside my chest. He was so near, nearer than any man I've ever allowed access to. But why? Why didn't I protest? Why did I seem to even ... like it?

Tila ba nagpapa-ulit ulit sa utak ko ang sambit niya.

Just for a while, let me stay like this.

I bit the inside of my lip. Why does the sound of it seem to break my heart in pieces? Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata at hinarap siya.

"Sige na, Gabriel." I gently pushed him away. "Alis na ako."

I began to walk, but instead I felt his hand grip mine, causing me to look back. 

"Grace," I saw him take in a breath, "sandali lang." Humakbang siyang papalapit, "Huwag ka sanang magagalit sa akin,"

Nangunot ang noo ko. "Ha?"

"Grace..." He hung his head, now gazing down as he spoke, "Laylaydek sik-a,"

For a few seconds my mind went black, his words causing a strange yet strong fluttering in my chest. My gaze widened, struck speechless as I came to my senses. ANO!? I scurried my mind for an explanation, finding ways of reasoning out with his word. No. Surely that's not the love that he meant to say.

I forced a smile. "A-and I love you too, Brother." I breathed, hoping to avert the weight that his words carried.

He lifted his head and met my gaze, "But mine is more than that of a brother's." Napalunok ako, taken aback even more as I heard his remark. There was no reasoning now, no averting possible. 

Pakiramdam ko lalong sumikip ang puso ko nang marinig ang sambit niya. Wasn't this supposed to be at least a blissful event? Why then? Why does it feel so painful? After today, who knows when I'll be seeing him again? What's the point of knowing now? Sana 'di niya nalang sinabi. I took a step back and turned, avoiding his eyes lest it revealed the hesitancy I felt.

"Take care, Gabriel.." I finally spoke, but I heard no word from him, and with this, I began to walk.

I slowly walked onto the bus, a burden weighing down my soul with each step I took, and as soon as I sat down, the bus began to move. Bahagya akong sumulyap sa bintana. Sure enough, he was still there, eyes upon me as the bus advanced. I felt sorrow grip my being, and with this, I turned my head away.

Lord, Lord I don't know Your plans, but have Your way. Angsakit po, Panginoon. Parang hindi ko po kakayanin, pero alam ko pong may plano Ka. No matter how painful, no matter how hard... I will trust You.

I felt the bus come to a stop, its wheels halting as traffic jammed the exit of the terminal. I shut my eyes once more, praying in tongues as I felt a mixture of emotions rage in my heart.

Jesus, Jesus take control. Bahala ka na po sa akin.

I took in a breath, unable to suppress the tears that escaped my eyes. With each breath I took, his face remained on my mind, making me all the more distressed of my departure. Haye Lord, I need You! I can't do this without You.

My eyes shot open as I felt the bus advance again, now joining the main road as it moved on. I lowered my head, mind wondering as I felt my phone vibrate. Baka narecieve na ni Mama ang text kong uuwi ako ngayon.

Inilabas ko ang phone at nagulat nang mabasa ang pangalan ni Ma'am Johanna. With a sigh, I swiped the answer icon and held the phone to my ear.

"Hello, Ma'am?"

"Grace?" Immediately, I heard the panic from her voice.

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"Kahapon mo lang sinabi sa akin pero ngayon na pala ang biyahe mo?"

I shut my eyes, "O-opo, Ma'am."

"Grace, I will ask you this. I need an honest answer, okay?"

I took in a breath, "Ano po 'yon, Ma'am?"

"Do you really want to go?" Muling bumigat ang loob ko nang marinig ang tanong niya. I remained silent for a while.

"Wala po akong choice, Ma'am." I swallowed, "I have nowhere else to go. Wala pong magpapa-"

"Grace, answer my question," natigilan ako nang marinig ang pagtaas ng boses niya, "do you really want to go?"

I lowered my head, wiping a tear as another one fell, "N-no, Ma'am." I confessed. "Hindi ko po gusto. Ayoko po talaga sana kung hind lang-"

"Then stop the bus,"

My gaze widened, "Ho?"

"Stop the bus, now, Grace."

"Ma'am-"

"If you want to stay, then you can stay,"

"Ma'am paano pong...?" Tila ba natauhan ako nang maisip muli ang nasabi niya.

"Para po!" I stood to my feet, gathering my stuff as the bus abruptly came to a halt.

"Ano 'yon, Ading?" Nagtatakang lumapit ang dispatcher. I could only glance at him once and began to walk down the bus in haste. I saw the wondering stares and remarks of confusion from the other passengers, but I paid no heed. Pagkababa ko, nagtungo agad ako sa sidewalk at muling itinaas ang phone sa tainga.

"Ma'am?" I spoke through the phone.

"You don't have to go, Grace. If your cousin won't support you, then God will. You can stay here sa Church, do'n sa Pastoral House."

"Pero Ma'am, hindi po ba para sa mga Pastors lang 'yon?" I asked.

"Yes dear, it is," she confirmed, "but I've spoken to Pastor Fernando just a while ago. He is okay with it since hindi rin naman siya nagsestay do'n."

It took a few seconds before I could process her words in my head. Gradually, gladness washed the anxiety away. I shut my eyes in relief, a wide smile now upon my face as I thought. Tears of Joy now began to flow from my eyes, speechless as I thought.

Oh thank You, Lord! Thank You so much!

"T-thank you po, Ma'am,"

"You're welcome, Grace." I heard her reply, "Now get in here. Everything will be okay..."

With a deep breath, I pulled the phone away from my ear, overflowing joy engulfing my being. Salamat po, Panginoon. All along I thought You haven't heard my cry, but now I see that You truly are a Waymaker. Maraming salamat, O Diyos!

I turned around in glee, lifting my bag as I walked up the street. Ilang minuto rin ang lumipas at muli kong nadaanan ang terminal. Nakauwi na siguro si Gabriel.

I was about to walk away when, surprisingly, I caught glimpse of the checkered polo he wore. I blinked in uncertainty and returned my gaze to the terminal, eyes squinting through the people. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Siya ba 'yon? I respired in awe, recognizing the man that sat on the bench just beside where the bus had parked earlier.

With a smile a walked to him in haste -  running. I came to a full stop when he lifted his gaze. Nabalot ng pagka-gulat ang muka niya. My smile widened, excited to share the news with him as I saw him approach.

"Grace?" A look of confusion gleamed in his eyes. "A-akala ko ba-" He took a step closer. 

"God made a way, Gabriel," My palm made its way to my cheek, wiping the tears away as I spoke, "God made a way."