I was listening to the song 'It's not the right for you' by The Script. It stained on my mind the lyrics that have been sang, are you happy with the world that you're leaving in? If not, you gotta change what you do.
When I heard that part of the song, tears are streaming down on my face. I asked myself, "am I happy for what I am doing now?"
No, I am not happy. I won’t be happy. When I step in this level (College), I lost myself. I do not know myself anymore. And I cannot change it. It has been written already.
I am a bird who has been lost. I am lost looking for my nest. I do not know the right pathway anymore. I lost directions. Drama may it sound but it is what really is. I am lost.
I don’t want to take this degree but I do not have any choices. I had really, but I chose the wrong one. I hope not. I hope so. I failed in Accountancy test so I decided to take-up Business Administration. I wanted to be an Engineer, I think so. I took an exam and I passed. But fate is really playful. I took this degree like having an oxygen-wire in my nose. This is the reason that keeps me alive.
I have my friends who treasure me and so do I. But we were different from the very beginning. They are happy for what degree they took. On the contrary, I am not. They can show their teeth as white as pearl because they are happy and contented.
They won’t let me feel that I do not belong where they are. But my mind keeps on reminding me that I am not like them, happy. I am lonely.
One day, I told them that I'll leave the school and even shift to another degree but they disagreed saying I should stay with them. So I did. I did stay.
I tried to be happy, I swear. The almighty knows what I have been through to be happy, but I just cannot. How can I be happy if the thing that I wanted to be my reason to make me happy does not make me happy? How can I?
I blame my family for giving me so much pressure in many things. But in the ended, I still ended up blaming myself. I could not blame anyone. I am the one who's writing my own story. Not somebody else. So I should blame myself for every little thing.
So I blame myself. I asked myself 'Does my capacity isnt enough? To pass the Accountancy test yet I passed the Engineering?' See how playful fate is?
I am being blabber again. Sigh. I have read a statement just this moment saying I want to be a CPA. That was one of my dream that will stay in world called Feigned. I am hoping to be one of the CPA in this world. I am really insecure to those people who are taking-up Accountancy.
To those people who wear a yellow plastic cap on their head. I salute them. They chase their dream while I stand and stare.
I want to ask my mom about my plans, shifting into another degree; but I am scared to be scolded by her. She already told me to take-up the degree that I like because if I shift into another, I will be left behind. But, but, but I dont know anymore.
I always tell to myself that everything happens for a reason.
I'll end it here. I need to continue my blurry-journey with my heart unwrapped on.
