Cold Spaghetti [Dukexiety] (Modern AU)

If I Time It Right

TW:// Mentions of Porn and Smut, Mentions of our Current President, one joke that might be seen as racist but it really wasn't meant to be racist, Mentions of systematic racism (Black Lives Matter Bitches), and it's fucking Remus what do you expect?

Also if you don't support BLM and ACAB then please unfollow me and this Fic because I'm this house we support humans living

Unedited

Remus scrolled through various fanfiction websites looking for some decent gay smut for his OTP. Of course, like always, he ships a rare pair that nobody really writes anything for. Why would there be good smut if there aren't even any good fsnfictions of the pairing? This sucks. He should just watch regular gay porn and pretend that it's his OTP. But his OTP has a character of color and all porn of people of color is fetishized. That ain't right. Life is suffering when you can't get good porn without race being fetishized. Skin color shouldn't be fetishized! 

It's four in the damn morning and Remus is sitting on the couch in the living room in completel darkness except for his phone screen and the open window letting the moonlight in. Roman and Mom are zonked our asleep. Virgil went to bed an hour ago after they spent the entire night talking. Remus isn't even tired. He'll probably take a three hour nap today and that's all he will need.

Hey, he can do that thing where you eat because you're bored. Like the opposite of stress eating. Remus sat up and set his phone down on the couch because the coffee table is invisible in the dark. With a loud pop of his right shoulder, Remus made his way to the kitchen. The light in the fridge would have blinded him if he wasn't staring at his phone on 45% brightness in almost pitch blackness. Hey, there's that tub of leftover spaghetti still 3/4ths full. Nice.

Remus took the spaghetti and put the sub on the counter. He grabbed a fork from the correct drawer from memory, almost intentionally stabbing his finger with a steak knife, and he started eating some nice cold spaghetti. Seriously, this shit slaps. Like cold spaghetti is fucking awesome.

Then his phone started going off. The "First Date" lofi hip hop song, his ringtone for Virgil because das his sweetheart now, started to softly echo through the room. It's probably his nicest, sweetest ringtone ever. His ringtone for Roman is the Fairy Godmother's song from Shrek 2 because Roman won't stop fucking singing it in the shower and his Mom's ringtone is All Star. Janus's ringtone is just a gunshot. Like a straight up gunshot. It scares so many people when they decide to text. It's funny as shit. Or it used to. They don't talk as much any more since Janus started hanging out with his new friend group that Remus thinks consists of Patton and Logan. But they're still friends!

Remus, completely in the dark, made it to his phone without stepping or tripping on a single thing. He answered the phone and held it up to his ear with a huge smile.

"What happened to going to sleep?"

"Yeah, insomnia is kicking my ass. I figured you would still be up."

"Yep! I'm eating breakfast!"

"Oh sweet. What are you having?"

"Spaghetti."

"You serious? Spaghetti?"

"Yeah! It's really good when it's cold."

"I'll let you enjoy that. I'll pass."

The two shared a laugh as Remus took another giant forkful of cold spaghetti and sucked it down like a vacuum cleaner. You know, that was a really easy dick joke to make right there. Damnit! Author! You missed out on a really awesome dick joke right there! How dare you not make every sexual innuendo that you physically can whenever you're writing Remus! Even though your name is also Remus.... maybe the idea that Remus likes cold spaghetti is projection...