Skulduggery Pleasant One Shots

Water

I am so so sorry. I got into the shitposts again.

At the beginning of every sanctuary meeting, Tipstaff would set out drinks in front of everyone. Nobody knows why Tipstaff insisted on this routine, but regardless, he did. It didn't matter if you wanted a glass or not, Tipstaff would enforce one upon you. Skulduggery would watch on in dread as glass after glass of crystalline water would once again dully clunk down in front of him, the contents wobbling.

It wasn't as if he could just ask Tipstaff to stop either, nobody dared try that after what happened to the last sorry soul to attempt such a feat. He was trapped in a song and dance of avoidance. He anticipated that not touching them would hint to the administrator that he would not and could not swallow the liquid, but alas, the cups kept coming anyway.

Skulduggery was determined this meeting was going to be different. He was fed up of people not realising he can't drink, so he was going to make a point. Yes, this meeting was going to be very different.

---

A monotonous and devoid of hope buzz hummed through the gathering of people forced to wait outside the meeting room while the preparations for the meeting were finalised. Skulduggery was barely containing his excitement, attempting to stay completely stationary amongst his wriggling fingers and rocking heels. His whole being was vibrating with excitement, the sensation feeling as though a swarm of bees were a bloodstream within his bones, as anatomically impossible as that was. Valkyrie, who was dead inside, raised an eyebrow suspiciously at his vibrant body language.

"What mischief are you up to?" She squinted questioningly.

"Nothing," he replied innocently, fingers tapping together in a stereotypical evil genius manner. Her eyebrow arched.

"No, you are definitely up to something." She gestured at his hands and feet. "You're failing to contain your excitement and are doing the mad scientist finger taps." Skulduggery managed to restrain his hands by shoving them into his pockets.

"I'm the picture of innocence," he smoothly replied. Valkyrie looked extremely unconvinced but dropped the matter, settling for glaring at the closed door. Skulduggery was left to stew in his own bubbling anticipation.

Soon the sharp sound of clipped footsteps neared their side of the door, which was then elegantly pulled aside for the gush of impatient politicians and critical personnel. The gaggle hurried to their assigned seats around the toad-shaped table, some more frantic than others. Skulduggery pridefully hung his fedora on the new gilded hatstand in the corner of the room before resuming his pity on these representatives. If their faces held any resemblance of enthusiasm, one might think they enjoyed these meetings. Skulduggery scraped his chair back, cheekiness apparent to anyone who knew him well enough which was evident in the agonised expression Ghastly shot him.

Grand Mage Ravel tediously trudged to the head of the table, resignedly residing over the assembly. "Good evening," he started, sounding like he was repressing a scream. "This afternoon it has been brought to my attention that..." Skulduggery tuned out Ravel's exasperated dribble, which held the consistent undertone that one has when trying not to weep from boredom, instead fixating with vigour on Tipstaff, who was slowly but surely making their rounds down the table with their tray of refreshments. He was given little acknowledgement aside from the occasional nod as he routinely slid the cups onto the table.

It was inevitable that Tipstaff was to thoughtlessly set a glass down in front of Skulduggery.

"Thank you," he whispered to Tipstaff, nodding. Tipstaff gifted him a bewildered look in return, clearly not used to these powerful figures having manners. He nodded hesitantly back at Skulduggery before shuffling along awkwardly. Skulduggery quickly surveyed the room, observing others mindlessly sipping their water.

Skulduggery picked up the glass and necked the entire thing.

Water splashed everywhere: it cascaded down his ribs like an icy waterfall, it splattered his suit, trivial droplets rained down on the conference table. It looked like someone had set off a water explosive inside Skulduggery who was properly soaked. He set down the glass on the table, acting as if nothing happened despite the stares he was now getting from the assembly. Ravel was gaping at him in mortification, Ghastly was holding back a snicker, Valkyrie smirked in an unbelievably smug way, and everyone else in the room ogled in disbelief. Skulduggery folded his arms moodily, indicated he was severely unimpressed. He shifted backward.

"Do continue, Grand Mage," he prompted seriously. Ravel blinked multiple times, eyelashes fluttering rapidly like the wings of a hummingbird.

"Ah, um. Y-yes. As- as I was saying..." Erskine spluttered, continuing his speech while trying to avoid eye contact with Skulduggery despite how his gaze kept inevitably drifting back to the skeleton. Everyone else tried to follow his lead, save for Valkyrie, desperately trying to be sucked into the whirlpool of monotony. That didn't stop them shooting him sideways glances. Skulduggery tapped his foot, reclining in his chair. Valkyrie grinned at him.

"You devil," she exclaimed in scantily hushed tones. He hummed in return. "You should see Tipstaff's face! He looks scandalised." She snorted. Skulduggery flipped around, and saw that Tipstaff indeed looked like someone had just accused him of pining for the Twilight cast or caught him frolicking down a street at midnight buck naked. Skulduggery sent the traumatised man a little wave.

"Hey Tipstaff!" He called out to the sickened administrator. Tipstaff pointed questioningly at himself as if hoping the detective was referring to some other 'Tipstaff.' "Yes you." Tipstaff slumped. "Can I get a refill?" The administrator then scurried out of the room.

"I think you've scared him off," Valkyrie contemplated. He returned his focus to the meeting, only to be greeted with the sight of Ravel face buried in his hands.

---

Once the conference was finally adjourned, which didn't take that long due to Skulduggery's shenanigans, the offending skeleton collected his hat and strolled down the drab labyrinthine corridors with his partner in crime. Morbidly curious whispers stalked them through the building and infected innocent bystanders like a disease. The duo ignored the judgemental temperaments that hung over them like a cloud, continuing for a while in a comfortable silence.

"I can't believe you chugged that whole glass of water," Valkyrie broke the silence first, starstruck.

"Clearly this is what the people wanted so I had to give it to them," his reply was smooth and collected.

"You look like you pissed yourself."

"Ah. That's... not what I was going for."

"Really?" She taunted, dripping with sarcasm. "You could have fooled me."

"I think I'm going to have to change my suit," he stated warily.

"Why? The conference went swimmingly," she scoffed.

---

Tipstaff never set another glass in front of the skeleton again, no matter how much he asked.