Disappointment

the story

Disappointment over took me. He placed a shadow on my heart. I've cried all the tears I possibly could. He lies so still in a wooden box, under his gravestone. "Loving son, brother, and friend". Those words curse me with sadness as I squezze the brown haired baby. His son.

James and I used to lay on a grassy hill, looking up at the starlit sky. The feel of his soft hand in mine haunts me. James and I used to always play this games, "our clouds collide ". I would have a cloud and he'd have another. We'd wait till our clouds collide and become one. He'd say," we're one now".

We grew up together James and I. He was like a big brother to me, but really he was my best friend. He was three years older than me. He was my everything. We decided to take our friendship a step further. Dating just wasn't for us. He was to much like a brother to me, not a boyfriend. He would've done anything for me.

I never noticed his mood change. I never noticed the bracelets building up. If only I did notice. Would he be here now? I knew all about the cyber bullying. How upset he'd get. It'd break me seeing him cry. I'd tell him to stay strong! That people were wrong! That he had me and no one else did.

James moved away to Australia, with his sister. That was his solution. To run away from his problems, not knowing they'd remain with him. He left me here friendless and damaged. I missed him so much! He was supposed to meet my boyfriend! He promised me he would!

We'd Skype every chance we get. It kept me going but would also kill me. I just wanted to caress him in my arms, to be in his arms. I longed for the feeling of him. I wished for his presence like a child seeing a shooting star.

It was two days before James' birthday. I couldn't wait for him to fly over and see me. I was so ecstatic! It was just our normal Skype call. Well I thought until I noticed something was wrong. He told me how he was feeling lately, that he sent me a letter. As he finished those words he plunged two bottles of paracetamols down his throat. He slashed his pale wrists. I wanted to jump through the screen, save him. He didn't make it to the hanging rope.

For days I thought it was my fault. On his birthday I still had the party, just hoping he would stroll through the door and hug me. I got his letter, the now tear stained letter. I felt so sorry for his girlfriend, his pregnant girlfriend.

Months went by and I grieved for him more than ever. People kept telling me to stay strong, that I had them. I wanted James not them. The summer came and so did James junior. The sight of him made me cry. He looked to much like his father. The mother had a breakdown and was forced to give the baby away.  As godmother I decided it was best  To give him to James' sister, Becka.

Now I visit his grave every chance I get. I clutch my god son tight looking down at the gravestone. "James", James junior squeaks. His first word. His dad's name. I wipe the tear that escapes  from my eye. " goodbye" I whisper, the wind snatching my voice.

James junior is a smiling little baby. He is always happy. Becka has no time to think about James, she's far to busy. Planning a wedding, looking after jasmine and Jacob, her twins, on top of work and James junior. No one hears from Louisa, James girlfriend. Me, I do charity work, I go to cadets, I'm in a relationship. Life is going smooth. Sure I'm scared to get close to people but I'll live. We're all doing James proud and will carry on doing so.