My Heart Beats

00 - Whispers in the Dark

Have you ever considered sacrificing your life for others? That feeling when you don't want to live but are scared of death too?

"Depression? How can you be depressed? Don't you know how many people would wish for a life like yours?"

It just made me worse. In the end, I can only remain silent, pretending I'm fine, even when I'm crying, making everything seem somewhat okay.

Ako si Zhang Liwen. My mother is Filipina, and my father is half Chinese. My name means a beautiful rose, but my life is far from beautiful. I was a mistake of my mom and dad when they were just 17. My mom hid me for about five months, but when their parents found out, they wanted to abort me. Yet, my mom fought for me because my dad said he would take responsibility. They stopped going to school to take care of me. My mom and dad were living happily until a year passed by, and my dad changed. He became addicted to computer games and forgot his responsibilities as a parent. To the point where they had no time for each other, seldom talking and understanding each other, always arguing. Each day my mom got tired of living with my dad, so she decided to take me with her and leave my father behind. He didn't even try to stop her, saying he wasn't even sure if I was truly his child.

Then, my mom and I lived with her parents for a year in the province. My mom left me to work in her sister's grocery store abroad. After a few months, they thought about putting me up for adoption with her sister, who had a Japanese husband and wanted a child. At that time, her Japanese brother-in-law liked me because, as he said, I looked Japanese. They said that if my mom agreed to let them adopt me, they would bring me to Japan so I could be with my mom. My mom agreed because she also wanted to be with me. I was about to be adopted. They took me to their house in Batangas while they sorted out my papers. I cried and begged them to return me to my grandma because I missed her. They endured my tears for three days until they felt sorry for me and brought me back. Unfortunately, my mom was forced to go back because of issues with illegal immigration or overstaying. Since I was just 3 years old, they thought I didn't understand what was happening. After two days, my mom found a job, and I started studying at a private school because they believed it was safer for me.

While observing my classmates, I also wished for a happy family like theirs—the feeling of being escorted to school by my mama and papa. I wanted to feel that happiness. At first, school was fun, not until we had a family tree homework assignment. I was forced to present my family tree in front of the class. I was terrified. My teacher asked me why my family tree was different, and I started telling my story. That's when my classmates began bullying me about my family. It didn't hurt that much when they said bad things about my father because I wasn't emotionally attached to him. But when they bad-mouthed my mom, I couldn't take it. I fought with them, resulting in a suspension for me. At home, my grandma didn't stop scolding me for what I did. I felt like no one understood what I was going through. One night, I overheard my mom and grandma talking on the phone. I heard her crying about how hard things were for her, and I really hated myself for that.

I lost interest in many things, especially in eating, and I became sick because of that. I became a burden to my mom again. She always smiled in front of me, even though I could see in her eyes that she wanted to give up. After I was discharged from the hospital, my mom left again for work. Years later, my mom told me she found someone. She asked for my permission before dating this guy. I couldn't say no when I saw that she was genuinely happy. That was the moment our communication lessened. Then they decided to tell me about my step-sisters. Well, they had bad attitudes, feeling like spoiled brats.

I started to overthink and became jealous.

"Why can't I be with them? Buti pa sila nakakasama si mama palagi. Buti pa sila naaalagaan ni mama. Buti pa sila happy family. Buti pa sila..."

They would ask me how I was, but I couldn't say what I was really going through. No one admits they're not okay, right?

My classmates didn't stop bullying me. Until one of them said, "No one likes you here, okay? Oops, your mom doesn't love you too. Aww, poor you..." I ran out of the room, crying. I was out of my mind and found myself at the rooftop. I was scared of what I was doing, but I just wanted to give up so my mom wouldn't need to worry about me anymore.

"Bye mom.. hope you live happily."

I closed my eyes and was ready to jump.

But then someone pulled me by my wrist and hugged me.

"Please don't do it," he said.

Tears started falling down my cheeks.

"Why did you do that?" I asked.

"I don't want you to do bad things."

"You know nothing."

"No, I understand you. You shouldn't run away from problems but instead face them and be better. We just need to accept and adapt to the situation."

"You don't understand.."

He let go of me so we could face each other. He wiped my tears and smiled.

"Then make me understand. I'm here for you."

He became the light that I'd been looking for, in years of hiding in darkness. It felt like it was my first time feeling appreciated, which is why I was already comfortable with him. Without hesitation, I told him everything.

"I have secrets too..."

"What secrets?"

"My parents don't want me to know that I'm adopted, so I'm pretending I know nothing."

"Why won't you tell them?"

"They're treating me like their real son because they desperately wanted a child, and I don't want to make them sad." I really don't know how to comfort him and what to tell him, he changed the topic real quick after. "About your parents..." I knew what he was going to ask, so I told him right away.

"I don't know what my dad looks like. I hate the fact that I have a broken family and continue pretending I'm fine."

"Maybe they just don't really love each other enough? So it's maybe a lesson for you to find someone who really cares about you and a person who is there for you when you really need them."

"Do you care about me?"

"Of course."

"So.. will you marry me?" I asked.

"But we're too young." He said while laughing.

"But I love you." Even though I have no idea what love really is.

"How about this.. if we meet again in the future and we still love each other, I'll marry you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so you need to promise me that you'll live for me until then."

"I promise."

We continued talking about fun things to forget about our problems. I'd never been this happy before.

However, life takes an unexpected turn, and the boy who became my beacon vanishes from my world.