Dear Diary; {H.S}

O N E

Dear Diary:

So um hi? This is awkward, I haven't had one of these in ages, it's a bit weird really, but my Doctor thinks it's healthy for me to keep my emotions and thoughts written so I guess I'll give it a try.

I don't even know where to start, I guess by introducing myself? My name is Hope Annette Walters, I used to love my name but the more i grew up the more I realised that it was obnoxious and cliché.

I'm 16 years old, and not sure if counting; I was diagnosed with breast cancer about two months ago but it had started before that. You see, one day I was just you know, grabbing my breast (I swear I'm not weird, everyone does it) anyways, I was doing that and I noticed small lumps inside my breast so immidiatley my mom took me to the Doctor to see what was happening. When we got there they told me that sometimes girls my age would get them, it was a total okay reaction of the teenage body but if they started growing then to inform him as soon as possible. I went home and forgot about it until two months ago, the lumps in fact did grow and that wasn't all, my breast also started swelling, and sometimes I would get pain on my nipples so bad that i swear I wanted to remove them.

My mom has been really supportive and I'm so greatful for that, unfortunately my dad passed away two years ago, he was coming back from work one night and a drunk driver hit him. Hope was all that I felt on my way to the hospital, I prayed and begged God to let him live but all that was useless because he didn't make it, that was the first time that I realized that I did in fact despised my name. He was a great person, why him?

I've avoided my friends ever since I found out, I'm doing them a favor really, it's better if they stay away from me, they won't suffer when ever I too, join my father.

I haven't had my first kiss, my first date, or boyfriend. I haven't done anything reckless, or something slightly adventurous.

I want to grow old and make so many mistakes along the way, I want to travel the world and meet new people. I want meet lots of boys and have friends that will be there for me when those boys do me wrong. I want to go to prom then after go to a party and get wasted. I want to have a place of my own and struggle with rent and bills. I want to try new things, especially the ones that get me out of my comfort zone. I want to get married and have three beautiful children, and then grow old with my husband, get to see my children grow up into succesful men and women and finally die happy.

But.. It sucks because I want all that and more but of course cancer is in the picture and I'm afraid cancer will soon take me out of the picture. But well, it happens, we all die at some point, sooner or later we're all going to end up 6 feet underground, and my way to get there is cancer I've accpeted it. Kinda. Not really.

Have you ever wonder if God is real? Because I do all the time. That's all I ever thought of when my dad died, I was a good kid, why take him away then punish me with cancer? Why doesn't he punish the bad people? The ones that deserve to be punished. Maybe it was something I did when I was smaller? I was a bit selfish and mean when I was young, I guess it was coming to bite me in the ass?

Love, Hope.