Shorter Than Me (Continued)

32.1 Ecyn

I feel sore after a couple days of hand-to-hand combat, but maybe my muscles will be used to it at the end of the week. Maybe.

I fight with Fellip today. This kind of fighting is actually a lot easier than I remember it being just a few months ago, probably because I'm not fighting a ruthless, heartless Ackerman. This person isn't beating me up and pretending that's how I'm supposed to learn.

Fellip is bigger and stronger than me, but I'm small. I use that to my advantage, so we're evenly matched for the most part. After a while, I have my squad switch partners. Now I fight with Jewel. She's also taller than me. I'm pretty sure I'm the shortest person in the Scouting Legion. We're about the same in strength, except for the fact that she's been using the maneuver gear longer and has more defined muscles in her legs. We're basically equal. We both have to pause after a few minutes to catch our breaths. By the time we stop to have lunch, I have more bruises than I would like and I'm still a little sore.

"Why do we practice hand-to-hand combat?" Fellip asks during lunch.

"So when we use all our blades during an expedition, we can still fight," Phodos answers.

"Really?" Qui says sarcastically. "That makes total sense."

"Well we're not the Military Police. We only fight titans," Fellip says.

"It's a good skill to have. We don't always just fight titans. I think they sometimes use Scouts for secret government work too," Elirah says.

"That's just a conspiracy. When was the last time a Scout was sent on a secret mission?" Jewel shoots down his words.

"It's secret. That's the point," he counters.

"Maybe they use the Scouts that stay behind from the expeditions. There are always a few." Fellip shrugs.

"Or maybe they use Captain Levi."

I look up from my plate, surprised. "What?"

"He leaves sometimes. And he doesn't have any family. Where do you think he goes?" Elirah asks.

"You're over thinking this. I don't think the government uses Scouts for secret missions," Jewel says.

Elirah shrugs. "It's possible."

"But not plausible," Qui objects.

Elirah just shrugs again, not wanting to start a debate.

It makes me curious. Where does Ackerman go when he leaves? Is it possible there are secret missions? Does that even make sense? Would they want to send Ackerman?

After lunch, we practice with fake knives. It's harder, with the heightened danger and the fact that one hand is occupied. I remember Ackerman was very good with the knife. He'd have it in one hand, then it would suddenly be in the other hand an arm's length away. I know he came from the Underground, so he probably learned how to fight there, which is why his style was so different from the more uniform style the military teaches. I fight the urge to look over at him and wonder. I don't really want to think about him. I need to focus on my fighting.

By the end of the day, I don't want to ever fight someone in hand-to-hand combat again, even if I have a knife and they don't. My forearms are sore from blocking attacks, my legs are sore from constantly moving and trying to maintain my balance, and I'm sore overall from fighting most of the day. We have to do it for the rest of the week. I'm not looking forward to being sore, but I know I'll get better at it. I think I do want to get better, and hopefully it will be worth the soreness. After dinner, I feel even more tired than before, so I stop by the mail room and pick up a letter from Caine before heading to my room for the night.

Ecyn,

Gabrell mentioned sorting through the stuff in our house and probably selling it. He said he didn't want to rush us or anything, but I thought I'd mention it to you. Maybe the next time you visit we can do that. Or maybe not. I don't really want to. But we'd wait for you before doing anything. All your stuff is still there. Maybe we want to keep the house. I know by the time your contract is up, I'll probably be enlisting. And you said you'd probably stay in the military after that anyway.

I've been thinking about mom and how right before she got sick I told her I wanted to join the military. I just wonder if in her last days, how she saw me was tainted by the fact that I was going to be abandoning her. I didn't want it to be like that. I just wanted to do what I thought was right. You know what I mean. But now, what if it isn't right? Now I don't even think I have any other direction to go. But what if I join the military and just never come back? Because I have nothing to come back to? You had me and mom. So did Briine. But would I have anything? I don't know.

How are you doing? You left so soon after the funeral. I know you feel like you have to be there. And I know you feel more comfortable being there, but would you want to visit soon? I kind of feel alone a lot of the time. My friends kind of just distract me from it all. And I feel like I have to think about Mom or it means I don't care. Is that how you feel? Do you have enough friends to be with you?

Love,

Caine

Even though I feel tired, I take out a piece of paper to write back to him.

Caine,

I'm doing well, for the most part. We've been practicing hand-to-hand combat, so I do have enough distractions. And I don't think that means we don't care about Mom. Just because we don't think about her every second doesn't mean that. As long as we remember her, that's what's important. You'd think after seeing so many people die that I'd be better at coping or something. But I still haven't figured out how to fully respect them by letting myself feel for them without it hurting too much. I want to visit as soon as I can. I still need to ask Commander Erwin about it.

You asked about my friends. I think here, everybody has experienced so much loss. It's not that we're used to it, but I think I kind of feel like because of that, I can't exactly talk about it. Like if I brought up being sad about my mom, someone could roll their eyes and say, "I lost my best friend last week." I know that's not really how it works, and nobody would actually say that. But everyone here is mourning, and that helps us all cope I think. But nobody is sad about my mom. So maybe I feel a little bit alone. But I've been growing closer to my squad. They're all great people.

I know mom loved you. And I know that she knew someday you would move out and get a career or a job. I don't think she felt you were abandoning her. I know she was scared for me and Briine, And after hearing about Briine it probably made her even more scared. But I know she also knew how brave Briine and I were for joining. I got letters from her saying she was proud of me even though she was scared for me. And I'm sure she sent letters to Briine too. So I know she would be proud of you too.

So don't feel guilty for that. I still believe in you to do whatever you think is right. And you do have over a year to think about it. I kind of feel guilty though. I visited, what, three times after joining? And the last time I visited was for barely a few hours to talk about Briine's death. I've been outside the wall more times than I visited.

I love you,

Ecyn

I wonder if Caine is scared I'll die next. I wonder if me being out here makes him wonder if I'll leave him too. Then, in just a very short time, he'll have no one left except Gabrell. I think that's something that can motivate me even more than just wanting to stay alive. I don't want to leave Caine.

***

A/N

Yeah is it like classic Wattpad cringe if I put an Author's Note after practically every chapter? I was reading like, the rest of this book and all my Author's Notes were all happy and "Thanks for reading" but also "tell me what you think" and all that jazz. Idk what I'm saying anymore. It's not even 10pm wow I'm getting old. Hey just curious, how many of you reading this now started back in 2015?

Ahem what? I started this over 5 years ago? Crazy.

Anyway, thanks for reading :))