Death is a Dream

Part 4: Smoke

I have survive it through half of the day and was now sitting through the final class before lunch. My eyes scanned the paper before me as I analyze everything in it. I hated school and my grades where not the best but that did not mean I was stupid. I tried to do the work as best as I could but my mind always has to wonder off and think of any other stupid topic or just to overthink and say the things I knew everyone else thought about me. For example right now, I should be writing what I know in a damn paper but instead I'm talking to myself and thinking about the stupid day. I finally got away of my thoughts to finally write at least something.

"Ok does someone know the answer to number 6?"

I looked at my work and I indeed had the answer but I am not risking it. If I have it right it will be cool until someone calls me teachers pet or just sees me as a smart kid who they can use to get their homework done. If I get it wrong I will go red and think what everyone else thinks " wow she is damn stupid" . Anyway the process of even talking outloud is already terrifying so I better keep my mouth shut.

"Is it x=16?"

"Correct"

Correct 

the bell rang indicating lunch. I made my way to the door and walked down the hallway into the school yard.  As I said before, my mom is dead there is no reason to avoid all of my old habits anymore. I quickly went under the bleachers and took out a cigaret. I brought it to my lips and light it up. 

"Do you have an extra cigaret?"

I jump in surprise and looked beside me whoever caught me, fucking Jeremy.

"You following me now?"

"Nah I come here every lunch, I would think you were the one following me."

"You wish.....you gonna snitch on me?"

"Not if you give me one too."

I looked in my bag and handed him the lighter with the cigaret.

"You didn't give me the impression you smoke.."

He just glanced at me and raised a his eyebrow

"I mean you do look like a rat but you seem more like those mama boys who try to act rebellious but the first chance they get to do something like drink, smoke, etc. you get actually scared and run back to mama saying sorry."

"Well that was a solid point of view" he said with a chuckle and letting out some smoke.

"What about now, what impression do I give you?"

"Well in the morning before we talk my impression was the mama boy, than when you open your big mouth and it was a mix of mama boy and jerk and now....I guess I'm still doing my verdict."

"huh, so I guess I still got time for you to change your mind about me?"

no, no ,no I see where this is going and noooooo, he is probably one of the first and we are sticking to the plan of being invisible until we die so the answer is no. NO THANK YOU BUT WE ARE ONLY SMOKING SO THATS IT I AM DRAWING THE DAMN LINE.

"Yeah whatever, I'm done so I'll leave." I said throwing my backpack over my arm.

"Wait let me go with you" he said simply as he took his bag

OH HELL NAH!

"Not necessary, we got different classes bye."

"How do you know we got different classes?"

"Cause..............fuck you."

"What class do you have?"

"English"

"Math, I guess we do have different classes for now. So just for now you can get away with it and leave but not next time." 

"Whatever, I'll see you around"

Shit did he say next time? Shit did I say I'll see him around? Forget it won't happen. Its not real, if I follow down that path I will die, and probably this talk was just him having fun...I am no one, I am invisible, I am ugly, I am worthless....no one can feel anything for me......its impossible.....and its reality...and its better to accept it now....thats better....

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Once the day was over I knew I had to head to the counselors office to "talks about my issues".

I walked slowly down the now empty halls and looked behind me and saw everyone getting into their cars or just hugging and stuff friends do....I give a little smile and sigh...it looks nice...

I continue walking down the hallway looking for that fucking office.

"Hey Liliana, what are you doing?"

I turned around and saw "charming eyes" standing in the middle of the hallway.(Yes I got my own nickname for him, will he ever know? no because we will never be even friends but at least I can sorta make fun of him in my mind.)

"You know school is over right?"

Fuck the knot in my throat ,I couldn't do much but nod. I cleared my voice and tried my best to speak.

"Yea-ah I know I just left something ......in a classroom...so I am walking........ to get it..."

"Oh ok in that case I'll go with you, only the creeps stay around the school when its over, wouldn't want them doing something to you."

"Wait only the creeps stay after? Does that make you an official creep as I predicted?"

He chuckle and look to the ground before looking up to smile at me.

"Hahaha so funny"

I stared at those eyes for a moment before realizing he cannot actually stay here with me even if it was to pick something up.First of all I am invisible and worthless like I said and second of all I am actually going to stay for a long time to talk about life and how it gets "better"by talking to a man who doesn't have the main idea what is it like to loose a mother, a friend and a whole life in one day. And top it with a cherry, I already had mental issues before this so that doesn't help.

"mmmm...you should go home I am actually going to wait inside the school for my aunt, I still don't know the way...so"

"No problem I can wait with you."

"No..I am being serious go home you don't have to wait for me, I will be fine."

"No really its not a probl-"

"I am sure go home."

".....fine"

With that I could see in his eyes how he actually got a bit disappointed as he turned around and walked out through the doors of the building. 

I also turned around and glance back once and gave a weak smile to myself knowing  that life is no fairy tell and that this is reality. With that I got into the counselors office..........I hate myself