Chapter 1

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ainsley got out of her car and looked up at the big school in front of her. she could already tell it was going to be hard. she took a deep breath, and looked down at her old doc martens, and started walking to the front doors. she made sure to get there early so she could make a quick sweep through the school before the day began.

the office was right inside the doors, and the office ladies were nice enough to her, even though she could barely get out anything other than “i need my schedule and a map” and “thank you.” ainsley took a shaky breath and nodded in thanks. then she went and found her locker, well aware of all the people looking at her as she walked by. ainsley tried to ignore them and dropped off her bag, then walked through her schedule a few times before retreating to a girls bathroom. she already felt the need for a cigarette.

the bell was going to ring in 10 minutes. ainsley was sitting on a closed toilet and was looking at her ripped up tights with black baggy sweater. she was thinking about all the things that people could possibly find wrong with her. she thought about all her flaws, from her overly curly hair to her large feet. ainsley couldn’t think of anything that they could like about her. she was still sitting there 8 minutes later when the bell ring and she rushed to her locker, almost running into a football player on the way.

“get outta my way, whore.” he said loudly to her. she ducked her head, muttering “sorry sorry sorry” as she opened her locker and rushed up to her first class.

ainsley could feel all the eyes turn to her. she was the only senior that hadn’t grown up with everybody else. the teacher mispronounced her name, which required her to actually speak. of course her voice cracked. “ansley sorenson?” the little old english teacher had said. ainsley raised her hand ever so slightly and said, “it’s actually pronounced ainsley.” the teacher nodded kindly, “my apologies.” ainsley still felt mortified.

at lunch she started panicking looking at all the half filled tables and feeling the lack of nicotine creep up on her once again. she took a deep breath, and sat in one of the empty seats that had some decent looking people on the other side of the table. one of them turned to look at her, and barely spared her a smile before turning back to their friends. so much for decent. ainsley pulled out her phone and texted her best friend, iliza.

 

oh my god get me out of this hellhole

 

iliza lived across the country, in california. far away from maine. ainsley had met her through tumblr two years ago. she knew that the fact still remained iliza could be a balding middle aged overweight pedophile, but at least the pedophile had a good fake personality. she responded a few minutes later.

 

i’m assuming it’s not going so well?

 

ainsley looked at the people facing away from her on the other side of the table.

 

no one will even look at me

 

ainsley tugged her cardigan sleeve over her wrist. she hadn’t done it in a few days, but they were still really red. she had probably gone too deep. she sighed and picked at her salad. nobody but iliza knew about any of that. her parents just thought she was getting moodier. the people at her old school never talked to her except to make fun of her hair or chest. iliza was the only real friend she had, even if she had never seen her in person.

the other people finally got up to do whatever it is they do here. probably hook up. ainsley didn’t care enough to wonder long. ainsley got up soon after and threw away the remains of her salad. she had already checked that morning if there were smoke detectors in the bathrooms, and there weren’t. she locked herself in a stall and pulled out her marlboro lights and her decoupaged lighter. iliza had finally texted back.

 

oh a dont worry they arent good enough for you

 

ainsley smiled and took another drag from her cig. she still had 5 minutes left of lunch, according to her schedule. enough time to finish her cigarette and pick up some books from her locker.

 

very true. time to resume being a slave to satan

 

she stubbed out the cigarette and flushed it down the toilet. she walked through the people to her locker and pulled out the next books she needed for class. the same jock she had ran into that morning was standing in front of the locker next to hers, now with buddies. “hey. remember me?” ainsley shut her locker and tucked her books under her arm. she tried to ignore him but his friends made a circle around her. “hey.” he said a bit more forcefully. “remember me?”

“uhm,” ainsley said quietly. “i kind of have somewhere to be.” the guy scoffed. “do you think i care? i wanted to ask you something. is that clear?” ainsley looked up at him. he had a sharp face, with the best goddamn jawline she had ever seen. “crystal,” she said calmly. he narrowed his eyebrows, and exchanged looks with one of his friends. “do you know where i could get my hands on any weed?”

that was not at all what ainsley was expecting. she thought he was going to ask to hook up, or slap her across the face. not ask for pot. “why are you asking me?” she said pointedly. he groaned. “because you’re the only person i don’t know at this school, and my dealer’s rate has gone up. now answer the question.” ainsley considered this carefully. if she told him that she knew people, she would have to meet him outside of school. if she didn’t, she wouldn’t get any money. she decided to take a risk. “yeah, i know some people. how much are you willing to pay?” he was just about to respond when the bell rang.

he sighed. “listen, meet me here after school. we’ll figure something out.” ainsley nodded. “deal,” then walked off to class thinking about the money she’s going to get later.

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