Dear Ana: Letters to my Eating Disorder

First Letter

Dear Ana, 

when I first met you I didn't know how dangerous you were. How would I have? After all you were so kind to me.
It was you who gave me the encouragement I needed so much. So much sense where there was nothing before. Yes you can say that you wrapped me around your little finger like no other did. It was comforting to have you around me.
You gave me all your attention and I gave you mine. 

And you have kept your promise to stay with me forever. 

I feel your intimacy on some days almost as much as in our initial time. I hear your soft voice, feel how you stroke my hair and flatter my skin. Your touches are small, sharp drops made of ice. And even if you sound really charming, what you say goes deeper than any blade could go. Because believe me when I am telling you I have experienced all kinds of pain through you, but you yourself was the worst one. 

It hurt, as you kept telling me, it wasn't enough.
I am not enough. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. 

Not good enough for you. 

I believed you then. I believed you when you pointed accusingly at my reflection and your face twisted into a disgusted caricature. I believed you when you closed my mouth with your cold slim fingers. Honestly.... I believed you so much shit. 

I have relied on you far too much and far too often. But can I blame myself? In that time you were the only one who really stood by my side. You didn't throw me away like so many others did. On the contrary: 

You bit into my skin like a leech. 

You were the center of all my thoughts and actions. And I realized far too late that you were the greatest of my problems.
How many times have I pushed you away from me? And how many times have I fallen back into your arms, crying and betrayed again?
And you took me back every time. However; your punishments were cruel.

Looking back now, I don't think you would have cared if I had died.

I would be lying if I said I couldn't have learned anything from you. You were one of the best teachers in my life. As you know, pain is the best way to learn. And you made me feel so much of it. 

At some point I may knock on your door again. And I sincerely hope that I will be wise enough to turn around before you can reach for me again and spin my head around with salty words. 

There aren't many things in this world I fear more than that. 

This is the first letter to you. And it won't be the last. Because now it is my turn to speak and you will listen to me closely. 

Greetings 

Face