insomnia hotline⠀ choi yeonjun

12

chapter twelve.
letting go.

breaking up. it's like someone died, and you're only left with memories.

memories with soobin. just like any other couple, we once both thought that it was forever. we once both thought that the hugs and the kisses were going to be forever.

when we screamed at each other in that arguement, it was somewhat similar to watching a funeral where someone is getting buried under the ground. maybe that explains why i saw fresh flowers instead of dead ones.

i'm only left with memories. but was it all even worth itㅡ making memories? i mean.. why choose to enjoy, when you choose to end it all in such a petty way in the end, anyway?

when do we even know if something was going to end? when will we ever know if something was going to stay thereㅡ forever in the past, that something could never be felt again?

3:02 a.m.

¤

i peeked at gaeun and yieung's direction and they were laughing usually like before. i gulped on my saliva and looked out the window. of course, i'm the only one here who feels alone.

yieung and gaeun didn't approach me this morning. they probably got the news that soobin and i were done, and now we're also done.

why am i even sad about losing these two, anyway? it's not like they were good friends.

but.. their company did make me smile at times. i mean, that was a lot better than being all alone, right?

no. they made me feel like shit and i never want to go back to that. being the third friend who stays behind when walking on the streets. i don't want to go back to the places they showed me. i don't want to feel that kind of isolation again.

"alright, everyone!" mrs. heo stepped inside the classroom and i, startled, looked to her direction and she was holding a jar with a lot of paper inside.

a raffle thingy?

"since we're starting the second quarter of the school year, it's time to assign seats!" she placed the jar on the table in front, and all i thought was, great. now i have a chance to be forever seated next to yieung or gaeun.

"y'all thought i would let you willingly change your seats as you'd like? no freakin' way!" she exclaimed. damn, 'fuck she being loud about today? "grab your bags and get in line. you'll be picking numbers from this jar." speak of the devilㅡ her bored tone and face expression was back as she ordered everyone in class.

everybody groaned, and i didn't know whether i should complain about it or be happy about it. i picked up my backpack and put it on. i just instinctively looked to yeonjun's direction and i caught him looking at me. he looked away and i didn't react as i looked away as well.

everyone started getting their piece of paper from the jar, and some started to get joyful, but some were also highly disappointed. my last-person-in-line ass couldn't relate yet, until i picked up my paper.

mrs. heo ordered us to shush as i opened mine. 16.

i looked at yieung and gaeun and they were obviously not seated together judging by the looks on their faces. i looked back to my paper, i can't even ask them what seat number they got. i'm just hoping that it wasn't next to me.

i feel so alone. it's like i'm the only one in class who isn't asking for anybody else's seat, or the only one who isn't getting asked.

sigh. this is what i've become thanks to rian.

to rian?

"hey, loser," rian approached me, and i looked at her. she stopped walking as she showed me her paper, and i just can't explain what feeling i got when i read her number.

17.

"we're seatmates!" i almost yelled. but because everybody was yelling, nobody found me odd. i automatically just had to look if gaeun and yieung heard me, and they did hear me, and they looked really annoyed at the sight of me.

i looked away, back to rian as i gulped on my saliva. "good job." she suddenly told me with a smile, and i raised two of my brows, "huh?" ㅡ "good job with breaking up."

good job.. huh.

"'kay, everybody, go to your seats," mrs. heo ordered, and the groaning was back. but mrs. heo didn't want to lose, she groaned back, annoyed, to tease us or something. but i'm not complaining. i walked over to seat 16 and sat beside rian. i feel so giggly but also a little sad about it.

i mean, i'm permanent seatmates with rian in biology, but being actual seatmates with her in homeroom just felt like something.

but this is good, right? a fresh start. it's actually what i've wanted to have all this time.

gaeun and yieung are polar opposites. gaeun is in the front, in which i know she doesn't like being in because of all the attention she could get from the teacher. while yieung obviously doesn't fit in the back-of-the-class squad.

where's yeonjun?

i watched as yeonjun made his way to the seat in front of me, and he smiled at me before sitting down. "hey," he greeted, and i couldn't help but smile back. choi yeonjun, there he is. what a coincidence to be sitting behind you.

yeonjun.. is here. rian is here. so how am i alone?

i'm so dumb. being dramatic and all that. i know have new people around me now, and i can start a new life without toxicity around me.

i can do this.

if you need help, reach out to family, friends, mental health professionals, or a local helpline.