I am at a standstill on what to get you for your baby shower. TOMORROW. I'm a procrastinator. It's no excuse. I know. I just don't want to give a lame gift. Or an unfinished one. I want it to be special. And I want it to give forever.
I started drawing a picture for you. A Pokémon one. Your favorite. Which at the moment I can't remember. Not because I don't care about you but because my memory sucks ass. I started that picture at the beginning of this year when you popped into my head out of nowhere. It was one of my "feelings" it told me something beautiful was growing. Something amazing, something that had been waiting a life time. I scoured your Facebook to figure out which Pokémon was yours. I looked up all the evolutions. Hell, I even called you at like midnight just to talk with you about it. That's when you told me you were having a baby. (And I found my answer)
My world had already stopped and been turned upside down. We weren't on quarantine yet. So everyone else was living all normal. I was up to my usual shenanigans and you were growing a beautiful little world inside of you. We planned to be together so I could help you like you've always helped me. I could tell you were so terrified. Hell, I was terrified for you. Babies change everything. But damn! You have a beautiful soul and a beautiful heart and I am so excited that you get to bring a life into this world to share that with. Fire. In all it's glory, beauty and destruction and grace. I am so excited.
Motherhood is down right disgusting, ugly, painful. It has taken me to depths that I did not even know could be reached.
Oh...... but the beauty. The serenity. The warmth. The comfort. The un ending connection to creation. The peace and joy. Motherhood will take you to the highest peaks. Better than the most invigorating, mind bending sex you've ever had. Better than sitting next to a creek and listening to the water run downstream while the birds chirp.
Sometimes the beauty comes disguised. Or unnoticed until it's not there in that moment anymore. Those moments are normal. The ones where you haven't slept for days. Your tits hurt because the baby wants to nurse ALL DAY LONG! Your done being touched. You just want to scream "get off of me I can't do this anymore!" You will look at your partner with so much fury and rage because you don't know what is going on inside of you.
It's all okay. Just breath. That is the most cliche fucking thing to say but, I mean, try it. Take a breath..... now take a real breath. Focus on breathing all the way down to your stomach. Fill up that belly with all that air. All the way up to your chest. Now slowly and smoothly breath all of that air out.
Is it just me or did that take a whole lot of concentration? Try filling up your whole body with air. All the way from your tippy toes to the tip top of your head.
Remember to do that shit frequently during the day. It reminds your brain to check in with your body and soul. It's like a refreshing a tab on the computer so it updates.
To you sir..... I'm not sure what fatherhood is like. No penis here. I would imagine it is similar to motherhood. All I do know is that you gotta make sure to talk about it. Even if it's not macho or it sounds ridiculous. Because believe me, holding all that stuff in never works out well.
Things are going to change radically. And faster than you can even comprehend once that little one arrives. Just take a deep breath and dive in. It's like getting in the pool on a hot summer day. That water sure is a shock to the body but oh does it feel wonderful once you've acclimated.
I know my gift may not be much. It's not something you can put on your baby and take pictures with. It's not the hottest new toy or the coolest clothes. It's a simple little box. I know you love dinosaurs. I know your having a girl and this is the most "boyish" thing that can be found. But none of that matters. It's a little suitcase. I hope that you put all the little wonders of your new world in here. The ups, the downs, the milestones, the gratitude, the anger, the frustration, whatever it is when you feel drawn to your little suitcase of memories. Cherish it. Love it. Grow with it. I hope that it fills up so fast with all the moments you can't forget right now. One day. When you really need it. Come back for your memories and worries and look at them all with the new light you've gained in life. Use it to find the strength when you need it. The love when it's lost, the remedy for the heartache that has happened. Open it when you are ready to start a new chapter and you need encouragement. Because I guarantee you will see those mementos and it will help ignite a fire that has been lost, feed a flame that is trying to grow or steady any flames that grow to wild. Love it. Trust it. Breath life into it. Give it purpose and meaning. Strength and endurance. LOVE. unconditional and unending. Give it all that you can and when you need it most, it will give you all that it can.
I love you more than words can describe. You will be a beautiful mother. I cannot wait to see your journey.
