The Roast of Jacob Black
As seen on Fantasy Central
November 16, 2012
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Eragon: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Fantasy Central Roasting! I'm Eragon from "Inheritance Cycle" and we're coming to you live from Forks, Washington! (audience applauds) I know, we should roast Edward and Bella, but come on! You really wanna roast *them*? (audience laughs) I say, let's roast the guy who got friend-zoned 100 times throughout the show, Jacob Black! (applause from audience as Jacob is brought in by Ron Weasley of "Harry Potter" and Zoey Redbird of "House of Night". He is in a giant dog cage.)
Jacob: Oh, come on! Really? A dog cage?
Eragon: Yes. A dog cage. Right over there! (Ron and Zoey take the cage and set it in a corner.) Who wants to roast Jacob? (audience cheers) Let's begin! (someone comes to the microphone)
Bella: Well, Since I'm the main hero of the story, I give out the first roast. Jacob is, for lack of a better word, a good friend, but a terrible boyfriend.
Crowd: Ooooooohhhhh!
Alice: I can't stand him! He acts all high and mighty because he turns into a wolf! (audience laughs)
Sam: I don't know why, but I don't like Jacob because of his crackfic parents...
Crowd: Oooooooohhhhh!!!
Jacob: Oh, so we're back to that again? Dude, I'm so beating you up!
Seth: Also, I just wanna say that Jacob is just a sillier immature version of Edward...
Crowd: Oooooooohhhhh!!!
Jacquel Rassenworth: I have to admit that I really don't like Jacob Black. Why? Well, it's not because he's a wolf, but he reminds me of my ex-boyfriend Sereno. What, with all the manipulation and whatnot...
Crowd: Oooooooohhhhh!!!
Jacob: You shut your lying mouth!
Jacquel Rassenworth: Why don't YOU???
Eragon: OK, that's enough. Let's get some opinions from the Anti-Potter Club.
Katniss: I could so beat him in the Hunger Games! (crowd laughs)
Lyra: The alethiometer says that he'll lose his imprint and be forced to be with someone else...
Crowd: Ooooooohhhhh!
Charlie Bone: I say that Jacob and Asa would get into a fight...
Asa: I'm still better than him!
Quil: Yeah right. I have to live with him. Plus, Jake is such a freaking hothead, *HE* caused global warming! (crowd laughs)
Percy: I hope Jacob doesn't show up at Camp Half-Blood, as he'd give old Chiron a heart attack...
Crowd: Ooooooohhhhh!
Tyrion: I hope that Jacob never comes to King's Landing, as he'll probably burn down the city with his hot-headedness...(crowd laughs)
Eragon: And that was the Anti-Potter Fantasy Club. Anyone else have something they want to add?
Harry Potter: I don't know what was up with him in that "Something Wicked This Way Comes" fan-fic, but Jacob was a complete jerkface! (crowd laughs) I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to slap him for being such a jerk to Bella! And the fact that Bella chose some other wolf over him doesn't help much in Jake's favor! (crowd laughs)
Jacquel Romanov: In every fanfic I'm in, Jacob always HAS to be the jerkface. Why? (crowd laughs)
Emmett: And Jacob is so lame, he can't catch up to Edward! (crowd laughs)
Jasper: And he gives werewolves every a bad name with his jerkfacedness, just like his dumb crack parents! (crowd laughs)
Rosalie: Now that we're here, I have a confession to make...Jacob, your grandpa was really good in bed.
Crowd: Ooooooohhhhh!
Jacob: What? You actually SLEPT with him??? Oh no you don't, bimbo! You're dead!
Eragon: OK, that's quite enough!
Leah: Jacob has some serious nerve acting like he liked Bella when she just wanted to be his friend. Can you say "friend-zoned"? (crowd laughs)
Sirius Black: I've got something to say...what makes you all think he's my son?
Jacquel Romanov: Well, his last name is Black and he's a werewolf...
Lupin: Don't go there, Jacquelyn!
Artemis Fowl: He's your crack-fic kid! Live with it. (crowd laughs)
Eragon: Is everyone done? OK, Jacob here has some words to say...(Jacob shows up on stage)
Jacob: This "roast" is a joke! You guys are such idiots! When am I gonna get the respect that I deserve?
Renesmee: How's about NEVER!
Jacob: Say what? (crowd laughs)
Renesmee: You imprint on me and you're disgusting! And besides, Albus-Severus and I are friends!
Albus-Severus Potter: Best friends!
Renesmee: And besides, we are NEVER gonna get together!
Jacob: Awww, why you gotta be so mean to me? I saved you! You can't do this to me! (leaves the stage in tears)
Eragon: And that's all the time that we have tonight! I'm Eragon and this has been the roasting of Jacob Black! Goodnight, everyone! (applause from audience. scene fades to black. credits roll)
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