Can't Stop the Hurt Inside - Phil Collen/Steve Clark

Can't Stop the Hurt Inside

A/N: I was requested to do a Steve Clark one-shot pairing him up with Phil Collen by rock-n-roII-souI. When I was researching I was so touched by their closeness and couldn't get past the fact that Phil couldn't bring himself to go to Steve's funeral. So...this is what came out. rock-n-roll-soul if you want me to try something a little lighter and fluffier just say the words!

***

I never truly grieved your passing. It was just too hard. You had been my best mate, my love, and the light of my life. And when you were gone, the world got a little darker.

Nobody ever knew. They'd never understand. We had been down right inseparable anyways, two peas in a pod, always together, the "Terror Twins" as the called us, so they never really expected anything anyways. And maybe that's what made it a little more special. It was our little secret meant only for us.

I remember the first time for us. We were on top of the word, and you were the riffmaster who we had to thank for it all, and I was your partner in crime. We were celebrating at the local pub and you and I were the last men standing that night. And that night...I should've known. The drink is what did you in, and I should have noticed how far you were going. I should have said something back then. But I was too lost in you, love. I was too lost in your love.

And that was our first night together. We were the last two blokes at the pub and they had to throw us out...quite literally! But you and I took it in stride. It was all a barrel of laughs for us. But our laughter ceased and you looked at me. Your blue eyes pierced right into my soul and somehow our jovial mood turned into something much more intense. I didn't expect it, and to be quite frank I don't think you did either. But somehow, it just felt right. Somehow you were up against me, the rain was falling from the night sky, but somehow we could still see the stars. You were right up on me...against the outside of the pub...I can still feel it now. Your lips over mine in the heat of passion, and I didn't want to let go. I never wanted it to end. Maybe it should have thrown me more, but it just felt right. It felt right to me, and it felt right to you too.

As our lips parted you looked at me and asked me if I wanted to go back to your flat with you, and of course I did. How could I say no to that? And so we went, we got a cab back to your place where we shared a night of sheer passion. Passion I had never felt before. The connection could never be recreated. No one had ever touched me the way you did. No woman or man had ever felt me that way before, not had I ever felt anyone else that way before. There was something there, something about it that ran on such a deeper level. Something about you and your passion for all things, that rhythm that came so naturally to you like a gift from God himself, could never be forced or faked. It was so raw, so real, and forever I'd be chasing that dragon.

And that was the first of many nights. Soon we would go on tour and conquer the world together. We'd tear down stadiums, make love to millions of fans, and be gods ourselves on stage. But in the quiet of the night, when no one else was around, it would be just you and me together. Sure, we'd make it out to everyone else we were just drinking buddies and no one questioned us...we didn't let them in, they wouldn't understand. But all those days and nights we'd be sneaking around, the two of us, to get a moment alone. Those were the moments I truly lived for a cherished...a small taste of that first night of us together.

In so many bathrooms at the airports, so many hotel rooms, so many backrooms of pubs lay echoes of our love and time together. But there came a point where I started to notice something was wrong, something had changed. The light had dimmed from your piecing blue eyes, the eyes that had once pierced my very soul. There were bags where there hadn't been before. You were tired all the time. And then I realized maybe...maybe it was too much. Maybe our intensity on top of everything was just too much. And it killed me to do it, but I felt I had to break it off with you. I just didn't expect it to kill you, too.

But you buried yourself. The anguish, the pressure, the loneliness killed you. I thought my leaving the relationship could make it better, but it didn't, it just made it worse. If I could I'd turn back the clock and take it all back. Just for one more moment, my love, to hold you in my arms, to feel your kisses against my lips, to hear your sweet words again. But most of all...to hear you rhythm once again...to feel it against mine....because nobody and I mean nobody could ever play like you could.

The last time we saw each other you were in rehab and I remember you looked at me and just asked me, "Why?" All I could say, "Get well now, love, and we can start again. We can start anew." If that meant us both leaving the band, I would've done it. I would have chosen you if you couldn't handle the fame and touring anymore. The thousands of screaming fans, the constant traveling didn't help and it was so easy to find an excuse to lose yourself in the drink rather than in me. And I knew you were tired, and so was I. And if getting a little cottage in the country would've kept you with me, I would have done it. I would have chosen you. Not even in a heartbeat.

And I should have told you that.

But you couldn't hold on. You couldn't conquer your demons. And it hurt. It hurt so bad. I felt my heart was ripped from my very chest and was crushed before my eyes by the devil himself. He crushed it in the burning palm of his hand as it crumbled to ashes on the ground before me. And I was weak. I couldn't bare it. Going to your funeral would've made it all too real. It couldn't be real.

But it was real.

So here I am a year later and I'm still missing you, my love. But I do need to say goodbye. It's not forever. We will meet again one day. I feel it in the very fiber of my being. But now I have to go live a little and bring joy to others, the way I know you'd want me to.

So goodbye, my love, I'll never forget you. Part of you will always be with me, and part of me always with you. The time we shared could never be taken away. Even if no one else knew, it was still real to us and that part is what truly matters.

So I'll leave this rose for you upon you grave and I'll kiss your headstone, my love.

Goodbye, darling Steve. I'll love you always.

My Deepest Love,

Phil