Today was a normal day so it's kinda weird for me to get a depressive episode but ig listening to sad songs makes me sad and depressed, I'm not diagnosed yet so I'm not sure why I call this depression but yeah, I find listening to innocent love by astro really helpful, it calms me down alot.
I sometimes get flashbacks, they hunt me. The belt, the metal rod, his hands slapping me and beating me up... my father was never there for me and I never really thought that I'd get beaten up just cause I said I'd so something after eating, i should have listened, i guess it's my fault for not listening to my father but hitting me with a metal rod could have killed me, I'm glad I'm still breathing and alive at this point but tbh I sometimes wish i wasnt alive, am I the only one? I dont think so, scratch that, I'm positive I'm not the only one going through this but why does it feel like I am? No one understands me.
I told my mom a few days ago that I was having severe panic attacks and that i couldnt breath, she said its cause I'm not close to god... what should I do? I need some advice :)
I've started learning japanese, kanji is REALLY hard, but ye. Guess who watched a sad ass anime and is going through another depressive episode cause that anime reminded her of her past and abusive relationship with her father? me! :)
YOU ARE READING
my small public diary
Random(I'll write my thoughts in here whenever I'm feeling depressed feel free to comment or talk about your feelings inside this diary) not a story TRIGGER WARNING - ABUSE - PANICK ATTACKS - SELF HARM
