The pain hidden in her blue eyes

The Pain In Her Dark Eyes

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book, to every single one of the women, and men that are going through a mental illness. Whether you are going through an eating disorder, self-harm, depression, or anxiety. Whatever it is, I promise you that it will get better.

I feel you in fact, I've been through It. Recovery is a choice. Don't let anyone take that choice away from you. Prove the world wrong. I may not know all of you individually, but you are beautiful and don't let any person change your mind about that. You are not alone in this fight. I hope this book shows you that we are in this together. I love you, stay strong beautiful warriors
Thankfully, all of my suicide attempts were close, yet unsuccessful.

Chapter one

Their words are harsh and cruel. Do they not know how much I am hurting? Their words are scraping against my weakening. I know for a fact with every message I get with a click of a button their ruining everything I know. I keep saying to myself "Alyssa you're a strong girl don't let them get to you their not worth it" guess what? It gets to me well.

Do you know what it is like to hate yourself with every ounce of your being? It's like I try to rebuild my invisible wall of steel. I pile invisible blocks of steel all around me every day. I pretend that their words are not hurting. With every insult, I rebuild my wall of steel. Steel are supposed to be unbreakable, but the steal around me breaks with their words that is how powerful and hurtful it is.

I do not show that it is breaking but it is. Nobody realizes my mental illnesses, and what a huge role it plays in my life. Look, There are many secrets I have not confessed or shared with anyone. I also don't think I ever will. I fear what might happen if this ongoing bullying does not come to some sort of an ending. If it continues, I am afraid my life will come to an ending. However, nobody will really care. I have nobody really.

Currently, our whole class is in the library working on a school project for history class. I hear snickering from across the table. It is coming from Taylor Merson and her friend Tiffany Cooper. Taylor is sitting with her legs crossed on top of the other, whispering into Tiffany's ear. I look up, and glance. I try to make it seem as if I wasn't looking at all. I know that is the type of attention that they want.
As I am sitting with legs crossed, under this table they try and make seem like wood. Anyways, I try to ignore what their doing.

I mean it's not the easiest thing to do. They are the girls that find enjoyment out of making my life a living hell and if it wasn't obvious to see, their making me feel like I am not worth anything. It is like their goal to make me feel like complete, and total shit. Ever since the third grade they have been this way to me. Easy to say, their mentality is still childish, and their still bored. Not to mention, I never did anything wrong to even be treated in such way.

To be honest, I did not care in the third grade at all. I mean why would I? I was a care free child. However, now I do. I always question my life, and self-worth daily. I think in every moment of the day, If I were to kill myself would that make them any happier? Well, I would not know if I am dead. I am just guessing, that they would be. Since they always tell me constantly to kill myself. Their words are like knives stabbing me in the chest. Yeah, they might as well literally do that. I know deep down in my gut, that it will make them, and majority if the whole school happy.
Now, here goes a pet peeve; Have any of you ever heard the quote? "Sticks and Stones may break your bones, but worlds well never hurt you." I believe that that is total and complete bullshit. I mean look, If you really think about it how much lives are being lost every day because of bullying? More than I can count, and more than you can imagine. Then if you are hit with a stick, or stone. Chances of dying are very slim. I know, I am stating the obvious here.