𝑁𝑜 𝑇𝑢𝑟𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝐵𝑎𝑐𝑘

C h a p t e r 4 5

Stirring and footsteps filled my ears, my consciousness aroused as I heard voices around me. Pilit kong inimulat ang mga mata. I lifted my gaze, and as soon as I did, I came in contact with his. He smiled, "Andito na tayo,"

Slowly I pulled myself from his warmth, gazing through the window of the bus. Madilim pa, at ilang mga streetlights lang ang nagpapaliwanag sa daan. Burnham's pathway became evident as my blurry vision cleared. Oo nga, andito na kami.

Nag-inat ako ng likod at hinarap si Gabriel. He was now preparing to stand, gathering the bags in his hand as he did so. I did the same. Inayos ko ang sarili at agad naring tumayo kasunod niya. Naglakad kaming palabas ng bus kasabay ang ibang mga pasahero, at sa paghakbang ko sa labas ng sasakyan, agad yumakap saaking katawan ang napakalamig na hangin. Hsst, Baguio weather.

Saktong pagbaba namin ay agad namang pumara si Gabriel ng isang taxi. Pagkatapos nilang ilagay sa bagahe ang mga karga ay umandar na ang taxi. Mabuti nalang talaga at meron si Gabriel. Anghirap ng may dalang kalahating sako ng bigas tapos mag-isa mong babae. Noon kasi sa Pinsan ako titira eh kaya 'di ako pinabaunan, pero ngayong nalaman nila Tita ang sitwasyon, 'di naman sila nag-atubiling pabaunan ako. Konti lang man, malaking tulong parin iyon.

Ilang minuto lang at natanaw ko na ang gate ng church. Madilim ang buong paligid, mabuti nalang at may mga streetlights. Pagkabigay ko ng bayad ay tinungo na namin ang simbahan. Naku, angdami naming dala.

Darkness from the Pastoral House welcomed us as soon as we stepped in, and with this I scurried for the switch upon the wall beside the door. Agad ko naman itong pinindot ng mahanap ko ito. Immediately the place was set alight, the tiled floor gleaming to life as the light touched it.

Isa-isang ipinasok ni Gabriel ang mga gamit, fixing the fruits upon the kitchen table as I sat on the couch. Pagkatapos niya itong ayusin ay lumapit siya't naupo sa aking tabi. I gazed up at him, unsure of what to say.

"G-gusto mong magkape?" Aya ko.

He smiled and shook his head, "Alam kong pagod ka. Magrest ka muna ha? I'll see you later,"

I could only nod as I heard him speak. "Okay," I smiled, "Ingat ka sa pag-uwi,"

"Salamat," He began to stand. "Magrest ka ng husto ha? Magduduty ka mamaya hindi ba?"

"Wen," Sumunod ako sakaniya papuntang pintuan. He glanced once more and smiled towards me. Akmang lalakad na siyang palayo nang matigil ito. I held on to his hand, "S-salamat ng marami, Gabriel,"

He stood still, locking gazes with me. I felt my heart race when he seemed to charge towards me, his hand wrapping around my waist as he approached. His face drew near to mine, and before I could fully see I shut my eyes instinctively.

I heard him release a breath, and with this, I opened my eyes. His eyes burned with longing, and I felt his hold around me tighten before he let go. "Grace," He breathed, "Please.. please don't look at me like that when we're all alone." He lifted his chin and kissed my forehead, instead.

I gazed at him in wonder, "A-ano?" I held his arm, "What do you mean, bakit?"

He released a breath and bit his lip, lowering his gaze before lifting it again. Nangunot ang noo ko. "Basta," He briefly replied, "I might-" Tumigil siya't muling huminga ng malalim, "I might not be able to control myself."

With his word I felt my cheek burn, eyes widening at the realization. Agad siyang tumalikod at naglakad palayo, glancing one last time with a smile. I forced a smile, waving towards him as he walked away. Naku po, ano ba 'yan. I shut my eyes and shook my head. Turning towards the inside as I shut the door close. Hindi na ako nag-atubiling mag-ayos at dumeretso nalang sa CR. Upon washing my face clean, I went for my room and slumped on the bed.

The white painted ceiling occupied my vision, the memories of the past days filling my mind. Almost immediately I felt the heaviness come back. I tried praying about it, repeatedly surrendering it to Him. Pero bakit? Bakit hanggang ngayon ang-bigat parin?

I swallowed a lump of bitterness upon my throat and released a breath. Pagod na ako. Pagod na pagod. There is nothing else I'd want to do now but sleep. But can I? Can I sleep with this heaviness in my heart? Lord, how will I go on living now?

I sat up, wiping the tears upon my cheek as I thought. Halo-halong emosyon ang nagdidigma sa puso ko. Hindi ko na alam. I pray, but I can't even be sure if I'm praying right. Naramdaman ko ang biglang paninikip ng puso ko. Isa-isang bumabalik ang mga tanong na pilit kong itinutulak palayo.

"Bakit?" I began to sob in silence, "Bakit Panginoon? Una, si papa ang maaga mong kinuha. I lived many years trying to accept it. Now I finally do. Pero bakit pati si Mama, Panginoon? Bakit? You know how faithful she is to You!" Kasabay ng pagtaas ng boses ko ang tuloy-tuloy na pagtulo ng mga luha mula sa aking mata.

"We gave our lives to You!" I heard myself cry, "I gave my life to You! But why?" Unti-unti akong napaluhod sa tabi ng kama, my head against the bedside as I cried. "Why is it so painful, Lord? Why would You allow this to happen? Didn't You promise to take care of us?"

My sobs turned into screams, each breath I took entangled with pain. I sucked in a breath, feeling the heat all over my body for the rage that engulfed it. I trembled kneeling down, shuddering as I felt my hands clench to a fist.

Bakit ganito, Panginoon? Bakit nang magsimula akong magseryoso Sa'yo saka nangyayari ang mga ito? How far will I be tested? How much pain will I have to endure? How many more sacrifices, Lord? Why? Why is it so hard?

"If living in this world is this painful, then am I sinful to ask You to take me instead?" I felt my heart break over my own words, but I meant all of it. "Lord if there are more painful things I need to endure, just take me instead..." I whispered the words, but my heart cried aloud for it. "Lord, please..." I shut my eyes, taking in a deep breath, "B-but if not ... then help me through. Please, please help me through. Angbigat Panginoon. Hindi ko po kaya. I can't Lord, I can't..."

I felt all tension flee from my being as I rested lifelessly on the bed's side, releasing a long breath as I did so. For minutes dead silence overcame the room, solemn stillness filling it with every moment passing by. Little by little I heard my own words being replayed in my mind, and at its sound, I felt my heart tighten.

You can never truly live for Christ, until you first die to yourself...

I bit my lip aggressively, the weight of it gripping my heart. I lifted my gaze and read the poster I myself placed on a frame upon my table, every word seemingly slitting my heart open.

Your sweetest worship, is when you worship ... despite the pain.

Another tear lined my cheeks. "Despite the pain," I heard myself whisper. Ilang segundo ko iyon tinitigan, as though finding the strength to do what I always thought I knew. Yes, I do know it, but knowing it didn't guarantee I understood what it took. It is only now that I realize how hard it was.

With all my strength I shut my eyes, taking a breath before I spoke a word.

"T-thank You, Lord," Immediatley I felt my whole being shudder, "I-" My words were interrupted with sobs. I released a long breath and resumed, "I worship You, Jesus." Sa bawat bigkas ko ng salita tila ba lalong naninikip ang puso ko. "God, You are worthy. Praise You Jesus, praise You, oh Lord," The face of my mother in the coffin flashed before my mind, and at its sight, I felt my heart break. "T-thank You Jesus..." The look on my brother's faces as I turned around was brought to my recall. "I worship You, Lord!" More and more tears slipped off my eyes, making it all the more harder to see.

It's painful. It's so, so painful. But if this is the sweetest I can give to You, then here it is. Here it is, My Lord. If You can still use something as broken as this, then here is my everything...