The Unquestionably True Tale of how I Lost my Lip Virginity

I am an honest man. Sadly, though, the unbelievable circumstances in my life often lead people to question the veracity of my tales, and (God forbid) accuse me of lying!

Each and every one of these claims is ridiculous. Who could doubt the story of how I was trying to find the guest bathroom at my friend Rob's house and accidentally ended up dancing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade? And who in their right mind would call into question the truthfulness of my account of how I went to take out the garbage and somehow ended up married to a mafioso named Luigi? (We divorced later, and the damn prick managed to play the jury to earn the house and the dog. He always was a good actor.)

But my experience that catches the most crap, is scrutinized the most, and makes people across my neighborhood and across my town go running for Snopes is the unquestionably true tale of how I lost my lip virginity.

Now, dear Reader, you may have several questions running through your mind. I'm going to go ahead and guess that the one which is currently trying to get all the other ones to shut up so it can talk is: "What the flying flip is lip virginity?"

Quite simply, Reader, it is a first kiss gussied up to sound more dramatic than it is and designed to freak out anyone who doesn't hear the 'lip' part.

For a lot of people, a first kiss is a pleasant experience which is attained through a couple months of cautious flirting and dating.

For me, it was attained through a life and death experience to save life as we know it and preserve the very fabric of space-time.

So let's get started.