Rats vs. Guinea Pigs [South Park - Crenny (Craig x Kenny)]

Rats vs. Guinea Pigs

The fight had started innocently enough, or as innocently as the start of a fight can be. It began with casual pushes and weak insults. Bystanders weren't really able to explain how it went from that to what it soon became. A jump kick to the stomach, sending the raven haired boy stumbling back into the lockers. A surprisingly powerful right hook to the blond's jaw that resulted in a satisfying cracking sound. When Mr. Mackey and PC Principal had finally found them, they were both on the ground, Kenny underneath Craig, Craig sending a flurry of hard slaps down on Kenny's chest, and Kenny's hands wrapped around Craig's throat.

"You dumb son of a bitch!" Craig managed to squeak out.

"I'm not dumb, you're the one who's fucking dumb! Dumbass!"

The two adults pushed through the circle of children who had formed around the fighting boys, prying them away from each other once they reached the center.

"Craig! Kenny! Stop this at once, mmkay? This is not how young gentleman should behave!"

"He fucking started it!" Craig yelled once he had caught his breath.

"You're a fucking liar!" Kenny shot back.

"BOYS!" PC Principal's voice thundered throughout the hallway. Most of the children who'd been watching chose to disperse after that, rather than feel his wrath. "Now I don't know how the fuck this started, but I'm going to end it! My office, now!"

After being reluctantly dragged down the hall by the adults, both Craig and Kenny found themselves sitting next to each other in uncomfortable wooden chairs, locked inside the prison cell known as the principal's office. Craig was slouched down into the chair, arms crossed, and body angled away from Kenny so he didn't have to see his stupid face. Kenny's head was thrown back, mouth agape and his eyes sarcastically rolled back in his head. Of all the possible places for them to be right now, this was one of the worst.

"Alright so what seems to be the problem here?"

PC Principal entered the office with Mr. Mackey, returning from making phone calls to their parents about the physical altercation. PC sat down behind his desk and waited for the boys to speak.

They didn't. Craig let out a huff and slouched even further in the chair. Kenny let his head roll forward, rubbing his jaw where the tissue was starting to swell.

The principal pounded his fists on the desk, forcing the boys to snap to attention. They instinctively turned to each other, their eyes wide. The moment they realized that they were looking at each other, they both abruptly turned away.

"If he just takes back what he said, there'll be no problem." Craig adjusted himself in his chair.

"I'm never going to take it back, because I didn't say anything wrong. I was just stating the facts, Craig."

"You're full of shit, Kenny." Craig grit his teeth, trying to hold himself back from punching the asshole square in the jaw one more time.

"Boys! Watch your fucking language!" PC Principal was getting riled up himself, looking like he was about to throw something, or someone, across the room. Mr. Mackey placed his hand on the other man's shoulder, calming him down.

"How about I take this one? M'kay boys....uh...fightin's bad. You really shouldn't be fightin' your peers, especially on school property, because violence is bad...and when there's violence on school property, the school is liable for any injuries that may have occurred, and well when the school is liable...well that's just bad."

The two boys slowly blinked at Mr. Mackey, in awe of his uselessness.

"What exactly was this fight all about, boys?" he added.

Kenny glanced over at Craig under his eyelashes. He caught Craig's eyes doing the same thing before they quickly snapped away.

"Kenneth here had the fucking audacity to say that rats are better than guinea pigs." Craig's face contorted into a sour grimace. He crossed his arms again and let out a low growl.

Both adults stared blankly at the children.

"That's...th-that's it?" Mackey stuttered out.

"What do you mean, that's it? That's the worst thing anyone could ever say to another human being! It's lies and slander!"

"It's not lies and slander, Craig, and you fucking know it! Rats are smarter than guinea pigs!"

"Guinea pigs are smart, too!"

"Oh yeah? Show me a guinea pig that's as smart as Pizza Rat!"

"WHAT?! Is THAT what you're basing rat intelligence on?"

"No, but still! That rat had a problem, made a plan, and followed through!"

"Guinea pigs can't eat fucking pizza!"

"See? Yet another reason rats are better!"

"Aaaarrrrhhh!"

Craig twitched in his seat and balled up his fists. It looked like it was taking everything he had to not jump out of his chair and onto Kenny.

"The truth hurts, doesn't it, Tucker?" Kenny had the cocky look of victory on his face.

"Rats only live to be, like two years old! Guinea pigs can live to be eight or even older! So HA!"

Kenny pouted, pulling his hood back up over his head. "I can't believe you even brought that up, asshole. How insensitive can you be?"

"I'm insensitive? You've been arguing to my face about how guinea pigs are shit and rats will rule the universe. You're a dick, Kenny!"

"You're a dick!"

Mr. Mackey and PC Principal shared a look between each other, unsure about what to do in this...highly unique situation. They silently agreed to let the boys continue to work out their issue verbally, and only to intervene if it became physical again.

After a moment of silence, Craig continued.

"Like, rats aren't even cute, dude. Guinea pigs are adorable, chubby, furry angels! No one sees a rat come out of the sewer and say 'aww, look at its fuzzy little face'! That's never happened!"

Kenny's eyes narrowed and his face became very serious. "You take that back right now. I'm not fucking around, Craig."

"Rats are ugly, disgusting creatures that carry diseases and shit, and they only seem to hang around smelly garbage piles like your fucking house, so...so...fuck."

Craig kept opening and closing his mouth, but nothing came out. Kenny's eyes were focused on the floor, his eyebrows furrowed, his lips pursed. Craig could swear that he could see the light reflect off of the tears that were welling in the corner of Kenny's eyes. The raven haired boy stood up off his chair and embraced his friend in a tight hug. His abdomen felt sore from the earlier kick as he squeezed his arms around Kenny, but he felt like he deserved the pain for upsetting his friend. Even if they disagreed on which small animal was the best, he didn't have to go low and insult Kenny as a person.

"I'm sorry, Ken. I went too far."

"Rats are like...my friends...my spirit animals, dude. I think that's why I get so defensive about them...but I didn't have to go and shit on your favorite animal just to try to promote them."

Kenny leaned his head on Craig's shoulder and ever-so-slightly nuzzled his face into his neck.

"So...are we still friends?" Craig asked quietly.

"Yeah," Kenny smiled.

"Hey, wanna come over my house? We can order pizza and play some games or whatever."

"Yeah, that'd be awesome."

Kenny stood up and wiped his face on the sleeve of his parka. He reached out his hand to Craig, who took his gloved hand in his own. They walked out of the principal's office hand in hand, leaving the two adults in the room bewildered and speechless.