Mael mael bogossipo (I miss you everyday)

Why am i holding it all?

You said fine and we ended there. I still had my expectations,as if you would make any effort to make me stay that day.
Was I wrong for expecting that much from someone not long ago who showed me that i wasn't hard to love and all of a sudden it's all gone. How can that possibly be when I was never enough of you,never enough of you holding my hands,never enough of your laughs and cute random things. I never get enough of you. You're the only one I've loved and forever will while you have no idea of my every day wet eyes confused mind and exhausted days. Not a single day has gone without me thinking of how you're doing and what might you be feeling about you and me. Are you there missing me like how I do? Or is she all that you think about today. I'm not mad that you found someone already but not easy to accept the reality either. I'm hurt that you shared our icecream with her our hangout place with her our enough of memories with her and I feel worthless and teary. I saw your picture with her you seemed happy well maybe you are happy but I hate to tell you this that I'm disgusted because she is the reason for it. I don't want to forget you for a happy life ahead. My happy life started with you but forgetting it all,happiness wouldn't stand nowhere.
After 2 months long an unknown number called me I replied with an hello,who is this but the other person didn't reply he just listened my every repeated hellos and ended the call. How did my heart know it was you. Maybe I was always expecting for it. And how do I express the feeling about that. I didn't give it a thought of not calling you back or somebody else might be the caller. All of me said it was you, only you. After my long ass messages of what I feel about you and everything,you did say you miss me and want to kiss me and hug me and call me babi. I lost there. I did keep it to myself how desperately I wanted to hug you and cry for hours about it. But nothing can go right and I wish I could turn back the time when everything messed up and we had to end. But I acted infront of you. I'm absolutely fine and you be happy and her too was what I said with my heavy heart not wanting you to love her and wished that it was all lie the next morning I wake up. But I woke up and it was still the same no more wishing it to be a lie or a dream. Nothing is right when it comes to heartbreak. I don't want nobody to tell me it's okay and it will be fine someday. Why does everyone have to say the same god damn thing like how some days it's gonna be alright and you'll forget everything about him and life will go on. But what about all those painful chest and tears and harms you're doing to yourself. Why not talk about how hard it has become to survive a single day with all the bruises that hasn't left your soul and it's frustrating because you feel this way.
Sleeping to a song's lyric of the same exact feeling and waking up to singing it because it makes you aware but no less of all the pain it brings to you. Finding distraction to every thoughts roaming around your eyes and not finding one is fucking depressing. Sleeping to ignore your imagination while it appears in your dreams is a nightmare after all. Knowing the truth but not wanting to accept is wanting to hate yourself even more. I thought writing would make me even sad because it would be in memories of me and you  but it's healing not my soul not my heart but my subconscious mind. Tell your subconscious mind that you're not okay with everything going around but you want to be okay while you're pretending to be okay you some how unknowingly will be okay. Maybe a little less of your expectations but that little might get better.
How I started writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks and runny nose now it's calm mind at the end.
                              Lots of love from drish