A quiet place (langst)

Unknown

**thank you for reading in advance. Sorry if I make mistakes. I will take requests. These will be vent posts. I hope you enjoy.**

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I have no idea how to feel. From what I've been told, though, you're supposed to feel a lot happier than this.

Keyword being you're and not I'm.

It's weird though. Recently, I have felt, like, maybe the constant that is my emotional state, is below "normal."  No matter. I couldn't tell you whether it is or isn't.

I used to be like every child. Happy. Careless.     Innocent.

Every time I see a child now, I can't help but think, 'I'm sorry this world will snuff that out of you.' Once I lost the demeanor of the child that once was, the one with a will to live, I changed. I'm the same person, I'm just not so innocent. Growing up in a household with many sibling all up in each other's space and parents who have the maturity of their children isn't the most fun experience. Especially when you add anger issues, alcohol, and narcissism to the mix. I am lucky that I wasn't the oldest though. While my sister has numerous problems of her own, I have my fair share of demons. Ones that will follow me wherever I go. Even space.

Which takes me to where I am right now, at 2am, listening to the sound of silence while the chorus of the song of my soul plays in my head on repeat. 17 years into my life and I already wish for nothing other than not existing. Oh, but it isn't that bad, it only started when I was in third grade. I didn't even have the word depression in my vocabulary before it's life sucking tendrils we're rooted in me.

Anyways, back to right now. We had a harder than normal mission today. It wasn't anything too difficult, but it did highlight every weaknesses I have. I am not a fighter. I've never been good at anything other than wanting be a great pilot and being a mediocre sniper.

My father and I used to go outside of the city limits with old pieces of scrap metal and shoot at them. I was so determined to be good at shooting that I would always take forever to pull the trigger. For my first time, I didn't do too bad...    but it wasn't good enough in my eyes. Him and I continued to practice after that and now here I am. The teams designated "sharpshooter." How I see it, and no doubt the team sees it, that's just a fancy word for designated gun person.

On that note, I won't be sleeping for a while (thanks insomnia you're the best) and thinking takes up too much energy so enjoy the noise in my head.

♪ How does it feel?
To feel nothing at all, I wonder.

I imagine it's great.
Like the works suddenly lost its color ♪

-Temporary Nothing by Mxmtoon