Hidden Love (Tronnor fanfiction)

~7~ Coming out or not?

Connor's pov

The only light in the room was the TV that was playing, no sound just the lights that flickered in the for the rest completely dark room. Tyler muted the sound, probably to hear every single thing I said perfectly. My heart was pouncing in my chest like it could come out of it every second. I felt a crop in my throat, the feeling as if someone was choking me. My breathing was heavy and I think Tyler thought I was dying or something. His expression showed so much concern and he tried to comfort me but nothing helped. Everything reminded me of Troye. When he hugged me I thought about how much I loved it with Troye, when he rubbed my back I thought about how my body would shiver when it would've been him. All I could think about right now was him but I wasn't able to tell Tyler. I couldn't express my emotions and thoughts. I'm so used to keeping everything for myself that I just don't know how you're supposed to do it. How difficult can it be? Just say what bothers you, just say what's going on in your mind. Why can't I just do that?

"Connor you can tell me everything, I will never judge you." I know he would never judge me, especially not on what I want to say to him but that doesn't make it easier.

"I know" I whispered, still not able to speak louder with the knot in my throat.

"Tell me when you're ready for it." Honestly, I'm never ready for this and I don't think I will ever be. I was even debating to not tell him. Can't I just try one last time to fall in love with a girl? It's possible that I just didn't try enough to find a girl. Maybe I can call the girl from the coffee shop. I still have the bill somewhere. But she probably doesn't even want to see me again after what I said about her. I can try, right? Maybe she's happy that I changed my mind about her and want to go on a date. I was so lost in those thoughts that I almost forgot that Tyler was sitting here with me.

"You know what Tyler just let it be, everything is okay." I managed to get out, not even sure what I just said.

I was so sure that I would tell him and now I want to try dating a girl again? Trying to ignore my feelings for Troye again? I know I can't do that, I already tried that multiple times and it never worked. So why would it work now?

"Are you sure Connor because I don't think so. You don't need to be afraid. Just talk to me it will really give some relieve!"

He was right, wasn't he? I need to tell someone even if I'm still not sure myself. Maybe he can convince me.

"You're right." I say quietly. He gave me a weak smile.

"So what's up?" He asked so casually like it wasn't a big deal but it was a big deal to me. I'm still not sure if this is what I want. I know I'm gay but maybe I can still fall in love with girls and try to be normal. Maybe I don't need to do this. Why is coming out even a thing? It shouldn't be. I would feel so much better if it wasn't a thing. I would just show my feelings and flirt with the one I love but because being gay is still not a normal thing I am not able to just do this.

"C'mon Connor you can tell me." Now I was just getting irritated by him. I know he means the best with it and that he wants to help me but I need some time.

"Can you fucking not push me?!" I said harshly. I didn't mean it like that I just want to get my thoughts on control and I want to know exactly what to say.

"I'm not pushing you, I just want to help you, I just want you to trust me with this thing that is bothering you so much. I know there is something and you can't say there isn't because I saw you these past few days. The way you were lost in thoughts and stare at random things. The way you look at..." Then he abruptly cut himself of. The way I look at what? What did he want to say?

"The way I look at what?" I asked, my curiosity winning the better hand.

"Uh nothing. Just tell me what you actually wanted to say to me when you wanted me to stay here when Troye went to sleep."