Becoming Luna

Chapter Five: Humming

Seth looks over at me, his face twisted with concern. I push my food around on my plate. We've taken a break from working on our plans for the new orphanage. The tribal orphanage and main hospital just so happen to be within our pack territory. Just as the Fourth pack has the school districts and the Seventh holds our guard training facilities. I'm just beginning to scratch the surface of the complex ways things work around here. But it already seems to be more complicated than I could ever imagine.

Serena told me she had been training me as a Luna over the years, but I'm not quite sure she was. All of this is confusing and Seth is grasping it better than I am. And when I asked her for help, she told me to figure it out. She truly believes she's prepared me enough for this long journey ahead of me. She's supposed to be my advisor, I wish she would just advise me.

"Ridley, you've been quiet all morning, what's up?" He confronts me and I look at him, peeling my eyes from the table between us.

"Nothing, I'm just tired." I assure, but inside I feel drained. I want to go home and bury myself in my blankets.

He looks like he doesn't believe me, so I look away from him. I've never felt so defeated by another person in my life. Not once has anyone made me feel bad about myself. Girls in school tried to make fun of me and talk about me, but it never bothered me. Now, it seems as if Mathias cut me straight to the core and I can't figure out why. His comment makes me want to rethink everything. How fragile is my self esteem that one argument could shatter it?

The longer I sit here, pushing my food around, the worse I feel. I push my plate away, finally too sick to my stomach to continue looking at it. I sigh deeply.

"I'm tired, last night was a long one. Is it alright if we take the rest of the day off?" I ask him, knowing it's not alright. We have so much to do, with so little time to do it, but I mentally can not handle anymore today.

"Yeah, I'll finish up what we were working on and get the plans sent off to the tribal council." Seth smiles, but it doesn't quite touch his eyes. I can tell he's worried, and that he wants me to talk to him. But how am I supposed to confide in him, when I'm not even sure what's wrong?

I take our plates to the kitchen, the staff in there pauses when I scrape the plates and turn towards the sink.

"You don't have to, Luna. We will wash them." One of the kitchen staff members reaches for the plates.

"You guys are busy, it's okay." I wave him off and he looks taken back. "I don't mind." I reassure, but I can tell it makes them uneasy as I cross to the sink and rinse off the dishes.

Sensing their growing unease, I leave the dishes in the sink to be dried and hurry out of the kitchen. The house is otherwise quiet, as I mount the stairs to my room, I look at the pictures on the walls. Many of them were gifted by elders in the village, depicting important scenes in our tribal history. The beauty of the art is unmatched by anything else I've ever seen.

I push open my bedroom door and almost overlook the bouquet of wild flowers laying on my bed. I inhale deeply, and faintly catch Mathias's scent lingering in the air. I pick up the flowers, admiring the vibrant colors. If this was his way of apologizing, the effort is appreciated. I glance around the room, looking for something to put them in. I do not want to go back downstairs, because my mind and body are exhausted, so for now, I empty a glass from the bathroom and stick them in there.

I set the flowers on my bed side table and crawl under the covers. I feel like crying, but nothing comes out. In times like this, I can't help but feel a little hopeless. Over the years, I have worked very hard on the way I process my emotions. If I feel angry, I allow myself to feel angry. If the urge to cry comes, I allow myself to cry. I spent too many years trying to bottle everything up and suppress it. I thought that my emotions made me weak, when in reality, they were my strength.