Rants

A bit about me

TW: TRANSPHOBIA, ABUSE 

Before I realized I was trans, I thought I was several other things, and looking back, I think I realized what I was a long time ago when I first found out what it meant, but I was in denial.

I first thought I was bi, then aromantic/asexual, asexual, then a lesbian, then an ace lesbian, then I thought "maybe I'm non-binary?". Then I thought I was polysexual, then I thought I was pan. (I dunno right now. Boys are pretty, though, and my kinda-of partner is attractive so-) I came out to my friends irl as a lesbian, then a nb lesbian, and now I'm finally done figuring myself out (I think) and I came out as a gayass trans man. 

My mother is somewhat transphobic. I came out to her a few months ago as nb, to test the waters, and she completely rejected that idea. 

She told me things like 

"but you're always my little girl!!"

 "you're my precious daughter and nothing can change that"  

"That doesn't exist!"

And "But then...who do you like?? 🤔"

I came out to her as a trans man a couple weeks ago and it didn't...go too well. She tried to do some sort of conversion therapy on me (I think, idk) and told me shit like "you only feel this way about yourself because you've been abused most of your life!", "you're a fucking girl, damnit!! Act like one!", and "you're a disappointment to everyone in this household" , and tried for three hours straight to convince me of this. She also said "but you're a girl, not a boy!!" And "I have enough sons, I don't want to lose my only daughter!" Several times to me, which fucking stung like a bitch. 

She made me throw out my own homemade binder (made from leggings) and lectured me about how I'm not allowed to bind because I'll hurt myself. I told her about actual binders and how they'd be better to use because that's what they're DESIGNED for, but she only got angrier and yelled at me about how I'm never allowed to buy those either. So that fucking sucks.