You don't know how hard i was holding back my tears when she whispered "matulog muna ako, ikaw nang bahala" with her kindest voice while she kept holding on to my hand.
My mind completely went blank for a second before screaming from my thoughts "What the hell does that mean!?".
I got so scared that my heart was beating so fast throughout the night. I even thought of waking her up. I didn't sleep even though i was so tired. I just kept holding on to her hand as i watched her carefully, making sure that she was still there. I couldn't rest until she woke up again and soon after, my asthma triggered due to too much worrying. (Asthma can also be triggered if one is always nervous or worrying).
What hurt so much was that she wasn't even fully aware of what was happening anymore. She barely recognizes her own family and she doesn't know what the time and day is anymore. She's not aware of almost everything anymore and yet, she managed to say that all of a sudden.
It hurt so much because i knew that it isn't that long before she decides to finally rest and leave us. I'm not talking about months or weeks. I'm talking about days. Just the thought of it made me want to burst out from tears.
As soon as she woke up, i asked someone to take over for a moment and quickly went to the restroom because i just couldn't hold back a few tears. I needed to relax and calm down for a minute.
Do you know how scared i am every single day and night, thinking if she will still be there by tomorrow. Thinking if she will still be there when i wake up. Thinking if i will still be able to talk to her tomorrow when i wake up.
I haven't really slept properly for days now. I just couldn't sleep with that thought in my mind. My body was resting but my my didn't. Even if someone told me to sleep and comfort me, i just couldn't sleep properly.
I was so scared by the thought of someone waking me up and telling me that she's gone. I didn't want her to leave us while I'm sleeping. When she leaves and decides to finally rest, i want to be there. I wanted to be present and awake when that moment comes. I don't want to be sleeping so soundly when the most terrifying nightmare happens and I'll just be someone who hears the news.
