paraphilia / a.i

ashton

Fuck.

New girl.

The boys were laughing at her when she walked in. All until they saw her face. She was pretty. Really pretty. We all thought she was lost. She doesn’t look like she belongs here. Hell, I don’t either, but guess what. I’m in here. When Jen walked around the desk to hug her, looked and felt like the most awkward thing I have ever seen. And I’ve seen awkward things, a lot of them. I didn’t get her name, she probably has a pretty name.

Fuck, I’m getting all girly and talking about my emotions.

She stared at me for what felt like forever, the guys will never let me live that down because I stared back. I couldn’t help it.

Okay someone really needs to hit me over the head with a barrel.  I don’t get why I’m acting like this. She’s a girl. Just a girl.

I spent an hour in my room today after free time instead of going to group. I know I’m going to regret it because they’ll take away my privileges or whatever, but I honestly couldn’t sit through an hour of talking about feelings. It’s just not my favorite thing in the world, ok? I just sat in bed, read a book, or tried to. I couldn’t get that stupid picture out of my head. Of that girl.

I slapped myself probably like eight or nine times trying to get her pretty little face out of my head. Buckley walked in on me slapping myself and he stood and had the balls to ask if he could slap me as well. I fucking let him.

Being in this place for three weeks has already turned me into a softy. I fucking hate it.

Buckley brought be a sandwich, which I just left on the nightstand and after 20 minutes of not even glancing at it, he just ate it. I didn’t care, I wasn’t hungry anyway. He dragged me to group, saying that “I needed to go” and he needed me to go. The kid must only feel comfortable with me.

Great.

I walked into the corridor and groaned, seeing we were the first ones, meaning Josh would probably confront me about ditching this morning.

“I’ll be back, save me a seat.” I told Buckley quietly and left the room, running a hand through my hair quickly before turning a corner and bumping into a small body.

“Jesus watch out-” I snapped before realizing that it was the new girl. My mouth dropped as she stumbled to apologize before I just lifted my hand and covered her mouth. What the fuck am I doing? She paused and lifted her hand up and took my hand from over her mouth and dropped it. She squinted her eyes and put her hand on my cheek and started leaning in. Was she going to kiss me? Shit, my breath stinks.

“Touch me again and I’ll break your arms.” I opened my eyes and she was smiling. What the fuck? She patted my cheek and she dropped her hand and walked past me, brushing her shoulder against my arm.

I gulped and turned around, catching up to her. She turned her head and I held my hands up.

“Hey, I’m not touching you.”

“Great do you want a medal?” She snapped. I took that as a sign to stop talking as we continued to walk back to group. She spoke up after a few moments of awkward silence.

“Sorry, I’m just a bit on edge.”

“I couldn’t tell.” I laughed. I saw her slightly smile and felt my heart pound harder in my chest. We stopped just before the door and she quickly turned to face me.

“Rosie.” She held her hand out and I cocked my head. Rosie.

“Well pretty boy, you gonna tell me your name or just leave me hanging?” She laughed, making me realize her hand was till out and her eyebrows were furrowed waiting for a reply.

“Ashton, my name’s Ashton.” I took her hand and shook it, waiting an extra second before walking into the room behind her.

Something’s wrong. I don’t want to fuck her. Fuck.

-ashton