Worth It

Goodbye || Olivia

PRESENT DAY

I'm cold, as I stand at her grave. Noah is wrapped up in my arms and he is not quite sure what is going on. He keeps asking for her and I still have no idea how to tell him to make him understand. His little face snuggles into my neck where he leaves faint kisses. 
"I love you mommy," his whispers bringing tears to my eyes, as the idea of losing him sends pain through my bones. 
"I love you too buddy," I place a kiss on his cheek, and wrap my arms tighter around him.

So many people have tried to take him from me today, to try and lighten my load just a little bit. But right now he is the only thing keeping my rooted to the floor, and i couldn't even think of standing here without him.

The hole in the ground seems so dark, so final, and I'm not ready to lower her in just yet. Her casket is covered in flowers and we lined the inside with letters, so she will never be alone. It sounds so stupid when i think about it, but she has been alone her whole life and the thought of her being alone forever in the ground breaks my heart. I look to my right to catch Marcus in his wheelchair clutching tightly to the note she left him. His eyes are red raw from crying, not in front of us of course, but you just know he is completely empty inside. He rubs his fingers up and down the ink on the page, the last thing he has of her, and i can't help but feel a ping of jealousy and hurt. Everyone got notes, everyone except me. Even Elliot, who is not here but still in New Orleans, oblivious to my loss.

I've cried endlessly on the phone with his voicemail, and yet there is no reply from him. Exactly what i thought would happen has, he has forgotten us.
Forgotten me.
"Liv?" Marcus' voice filters up towards me, and i turn to look down at him. He is still staring at her casket, not willing to take his eyes off her for a second. It's as if he thinks that if he watched her last time, she would still be here.
"Yeah Marcus."
"Where's Elliot?" It's an innocent question, but it makes my eyes water instantly. I look up at the sky and take a deep breath before answering.
"He is still in New Orleans." I bury my nose in Noah's hair, hoping his scent will bring me comfort.
"Shouldn't he be here?" The is no anger or acusation in his tone, only confusion.
"Um, yeah. He's probably busy you know, work and everything." I bite my lip and try and keep my tears from falling, as I know once they do they won't stop.

I haven't cried yet today, I know they think I am being cold, or closed off, but I'm not. I'm trying to be strong for Noah and for Peyton. It's kind of a little bit hard to be sad when she has finally gotten what she wanted. She is free, her pain has stopped, her sufferring has stopped, how can I be sad about that. I mean she left me behind and that is painful, but I feel it would have been selfish of me to try and stop her. To make her feel that pain everyday just so i didn't have to feel her loss now. I know her, she has been selfless the whole time i have known her, and I just can't be mad or sad because for the first time in her life, she put herself first.

"He hasn't answered your calls has he?" I look down and am meet with Marcus' kind eyes, he looks at me and immediately understands. He breaks down my walls and i feel safe enough to let the tears fall for the first time today.
"I've called so many times," I look down and my bangs fall into my face, "He doesn't answer, so I just cry and leave him voicemails, hoping he will check them."
Marcus lets out a deep breath, "but he hasn't."
I shake my head, "No, and i called this morning and it said his inbox was fill so he hasn't even listened to them," the tears fall a little harder. "And all I want more than anything, is to share half a double chocolate oreo cupcake with Peyton." He lets out a soft sad chuckle and we just stand there in silence. We watch as the snow slowly falls around us.

"I'm not ready to let her go," it's simple and raw. I understand him completely. "Can we just stay a moment longer?"
There are people waiting for us and the funeral home has another service in an hour, Fin has come and asked me a few times if we were ready but each time I've shrugged him off, just asked for a few minutes longer. It's now been an hour and we are running out of time.
"Sure, I'm not ready either."

We just stand in silence for what seems like a few seconds but i know minutes have passed. Noah is restless and asks to be put down. For the first time today I allow him to stand on his own. He turns towards Peyton's casket and pulls something out of his pocket, before turning to me.
"Mummy,"
"Yes Noah," i force a small smile.
"Uncle Fin says Peyton is in there, that she is happy in there without me."
"She is happy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you baby."
He wipes his eyes, and i realise he is crying, "Is she sick again? Like last time?"
His question leaves me breathless and without an answer to give him. I just stare at him searching my mind for an answer. He looks down and unfolds the piece of paper he pulled from his pocket.
"Yeah Noie kind of like last time." He just looks at me then, a blank expression on his face.

He walks up to her casket and throws his picture into the hole below her. I watch as he walks back to me his hands in his pockets. My little boy has aged from a cute 4 year to a 30 year old man before my eyes. I just prey he will get over this, that he can go back to being carefree. He stands in front of me and lets the tears freely fall from his eyes before he speaks.
"But this time she's not coming back to me." He walks past me and down the hill to the waiting cars, and I feel like all the air has been squashed out of my lungs. My breathing becomes laboured and shallow as i try and refill the emptiness in my chest. 

I feel Fin's hand on my shoulder and he whispers in my ear, "Baby girl it's time to let her go." He nods and we watch as the casket starts to be lower into the ground.

What is happening, my ribcage is crushing in around my heart and lungs. I can't get any air in and my heart feels like it's beating a million miles a minute. My legs feel like jelly and my head is lighthead and i don't know how much longer i can stay standing.
"No, no, no, no, no." I cry, this just can't be happening. It's too final. I don't want to let her go. My legs give out and i feel Fin's arms circle under mine to stop me from crashing to the ground. My vision as blurred as the tears pour down my face.

I have lost all control, of my body, of my emotions and i feel like i am trapped in the casket with her. My world is caving in and i don't know how to stop it. I had one job, one responsiblity. Keep her alive, love her, be the mother she deserved and i couldn't even do that. It's selfish but i wanted to hear her say mom just once, but she didn't. She didn't because i didn't deserve the title, and now i can't even make it up to her because she is gone forever. I can no longer see her casket, just a gapping hole in front of me. I want it to swallow me whole, I want her to take me with her.

"Liv, you need to get up, you are going to freeze."
I only just realise Fin is sitting beside me, his arms wrapped tightly around me. Everyone is gone. It's just us to on the hill, in the cemetery looking at what was a few moments ago a hole in the ground.

"How long have we been here?" I manage to find my voice, and I lean back into Fin's solid chest.
"About 2 hours," he sighs. I can tell this has taken a toll on him too and he is tired.
"I'm sorry Fin," I sob.
"Baby girl it's okay, I would sit here with you all night but you are starting to shiver and i don't want you to get pnemonia." He rubs his arms up and down my arms trying to keep me warm.
I move forward and stand up on my own. He stands up behind me and just gives me a moment to gather myself.

"Goodbye Peyton." I turn then, without another word, without turning back. I head towards the sedan and climb inside, Fin isn't far behind and he turns on the heater the moment he enters the car. We drive in silence and through the cemetery gates, and it's final. She's gone forever. Not just a maybe, not just a dream anymore. She is truly gone, I can never hold her again, I can never laugh with her again, she is not just on holiday.

She is dead.

And i just said my final goodbye.