Chnikki: Personal Online Diary

A Day in C's life (Depressed)

This isn't probably the best way to start off the Chikki diary, but I feel like a compressed balloon, ready to explode. So many feelings piling up inside of me. God, I feel hopeless.

So, my best Friend I've known since I was eight, asked me out. One thing lead to another, and we've been dating for seven-eight months now. Well, not now. We broke up.

And to think, I was actually in love with this kid! Arg! (is that even a noise?)

He's a backstabbing, lying, imbecile who doesn't give fuck about you and anyone else. He just goes after what he wants, making everyone in his way feel like shit!

And, when he finally gets what he wants.

He makes you feel worthless.

I FEEL WORTHLESS.

I am a God fearing, christian girl, who has boundaries and standards. And HE just had to obliterate me. I feel so stupid to think he actually had a thing for me. That he'd respect me and my wishes.

Isn't it strange how you think you know someone, only to find out you were looking straight at a mask, a scam, a cover up.

I should've known that something was wrong when he didn't want to go to my school's winter galla, when he didn't want to meet any of my friends, when he didn't want to go watch any of my hockey games. And the worst part of all, I did all those things. I supported him, going to his volleyball games, going to his school dances, meeting his friends! 

I'm literally in tears right now.

Oh, and I'm not just depressed about him. I'm depressed about EVERYTHING.

My grades have taken a slip and I don't know why. I feel like I'm understanding everything, but not comprehending it. My parents keep bugging me about it, and I can't help but feel like I'm failing them. They're the ones who are paying for my schooling and sports, and I feel like I should excel in everything that they sign me up for.

Yes, I made the winter cup zone team with hockey, yes I'm on the rep team, yes I hold most of the girl hockey academy records, but school... that's a whole different thing. And hockey academy in the mornings can run a little late, so I do end up missing quite a bit of my classes.

And I feel like if I ask for help, that people will start looking at me differently, calling me the stereotypical jock. I DON'T WANT THAT!

I know I must seem greedy and spoiled, and I probably am, but I really don't care what teams I make and what scores I get. It's just the stress and pressure that's causing me my depression.

It's like I'm balancing on a scale. One side is sports, the other is school. When sports go up, school goes down. When school goes up, sports go down. I can't miss a game or a practice because I don't want to let my team down, and I don't want to miss class and homework because I don't want my grades to slip and have my parent's wrath rain down on me.

I'm already ditching church, I left youth group, and I have the farm to look after. Too much is going on in my life! I wish I could trade places with someone, just for a week, so I can let some steem off and relax.

I'm already burnt out and ready for the hockey season to be over, so I can have some more free time, but I have to start riding my horse more often if I'm to get her conditioned enough before show season starts.

AHHHHH!!!!

Plus, I'm not getting enough sleep at night due to all my stress.

What am I going to do?

xXxXx

Sorry for my rant.

N, take a deep breath, and look deep down inside yourself... and please don't kill me for starting our diary off on a bad note.

I... love you? (please let that be enough sugar coating)

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