Sehun to Sehun

2020-07-18

Dear Sehun,

Haha, Sehun writing to Sehun. Get it because my nickname is Sehun.  Anygays, you know how I run my instagram account to spam all the racist hashtags and all. Well, I am also the admin of many groupchats (like 50 or something, don't @ me ok). But recently I have been really stressed. I told them about the talk with my dad but I didn't tell them all I felt. I feel alone at times. I am scared. I want to be the strong one. I want to be the one they can come to at all times, but I'm afraid I can't be and that hurts. I need to focus on myself for once. I don't have the best mental health and especially right now. But right now as I write to you I am in my calm place. I have all of Day6's songs on shuffle, have food wars on the tv (don't judge me -_-) and have my hello kitty nightlight on. I am still messaging everyone on instagram but it's kinda my new job so I can't just quit. and i'm currently talking to two people and a groupchat. And it's not just the groupchats that stress me out tho, I know I should expect a lot of hate, seeing that it's spamming a lot of racist hashtags, but i hate how much hate I'm getting. How do you deal with hate? I can't seem to just shoulder shrug it. Shoulder shrugging is hard ;-;. I truly do try and once I start to do good, I end up going 2 steps back. Speaking of the hate, I just got a notification and guess what it is? Yup hate. I'm tired of it.

I just I've been thinking a lot about the talk with my dad tonight. We both cried. It all started when I started watching the video that my dad was watching. It just so happened to be about BLM and all the cops and about this one white woman threatening to cough on someone while we are in the age of covid19 and how she believes that white power is real and all. But my dad and I got into a deep conversation about the racism in our country. We are Mexican Americans by the way. We get called wetbacks and gangbangers and even our president has called us rapists, murders, and that we are all illegal. And all brown skinned people are Mexicans now. We talked a lot about this stuff.

I'm tired. And I don't mean like I need to sleep type of tired. I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically tired of everything. I'm tired of this country that I live in (the states), I'm tired of this world that we live in, I'm tired of this life. sometimes I just break down and cry. I know I shouldn't be telling you this but if my dad can be talking to me and breakdown crying about this country, about how he struggles, about life. May I remind you, my dad is almost 40, he was a "gangbanger". People called him a wetback. Because he is mexican. My dad cried because of this world. The only man I truly truly love , who is there for me during anything. He cries.
I wanted to die. The other day I almost killed myself. But then if I killed myself I would have been selfish. To him, to my mom, to my brother, to my few friends, to you guys, and to the rest of my family. If I were to have killed myself I would have put more people in pain then myself. But that's not the only thing that stopped me. If I would have killed myself then America would have won a battle. They would have gotten rid of a mexican. You know the wetback, gangbangers, the ones who Mexico brings here to kill, steal drugs, rape. But I realized that I'm better then any of the stereotypes. I'm not the stereotypes. Their is no one else like me. I'm one of a kind. Yes I'm mexican, yes I like tacos and hanging out with my "homies", yes I'm from mexico, yes I am the true americans . The only true americans are the native Americans and the native Mexicans.I am native mexican, great great great grandfather came to Mexico from Germany with the last name felix. So Felix is a German last name. But he met a pure Indian who was my great great great grandmother and had a child. Then their child came from mexico to America in 1903 with a 3rd grade education, all by himself, and he started a family. He had 11 children including my great grandpa. My great great grandfather Antonio worked. He worked in a time where it was harder to be mexican then to be black. At least blacks had some better jobs. He worked underground. In the place where all our toliet water goes (I don't know how to spell it don't @ me) he worked until the day he died just to be called a wetback, a gangbangerBut he taught my grandpa Felix two things that he passed down to my dad and my dad is passing down to me.Don't you dare steal, if you cant get it without stealing then you don't need it.Don't ever lie, if you look a man in the eye and shake his hand them he has your word. don't break your word. But you know what. Just because of who we "are" we are the stereotypes. I know I can't escape it. Yes I am mexican, yes I am what you fear, I'm not what you expect.I need to do better than before to prove that I'm not who you think I amJust because I'm not white means I'm not good enough. Lesson, if you aren't white, you are nothing, you don't belong here. You are worthless.But I'm not. I am me. and I'm only me. I realized that I don't let people know what I feel a lot. Because when I do I always feel like I'm hurting them with extra stress. But I realized that I do need to have self care and open up. Because I need to learn how to grow out. I need to become something greater. I know racism isn't going to leave. Not completely. And seeing that my country is lead by a racist, it isn't going to get any better soon. I need to make a difference. 

Anygays thanks for listeing to my ted talk.

-Sehun out (hehe I still love the whole Sehun to Sehun thing)