When The Sun Came Up, You Were Gone

I'm Selfish(4)

Nurses were running around, rushing to get supplies and help. I just held onto Noah's hand as the chaos surrounded us. Holding my cell in my other hand, hearing the endless ring from his family's line, tears kept falling from my face. My teeth gritting against each other with every gasp he let out, "Please... fucking answer... please."

"Sir we need you to move," the nurse who has been taking care of Noah these past three weeks said, "we need more access to him."

My chest falling harshly, I try to release his hand, but his grip remained tough. My cell sliding out from my hands, landing on the floor with a loud thump. Crying over his wheezing body, I begged, "Please Noah... they need to help you."

Weakly, eyes hooded and gasping for air, he shook his head. Shaking profusely, he slowly brought my hand to his cheek, which was cold and wet. I too was shaking. My breathing rough and broken. I had no strength... barely able to stand, but I took my hand from him and was pushed outside.

Unable to carry myself any longer, my knees crashed to the floor and I just screamed. People rushed to help me, calling out to me but I just kept slamming my fists into the ground and screaming. My blood was splattering onto the tile... spilling out of me... out of my body... this vessel... the vessel that has been touched by him.

A gentle set of hands fell upon me, hands I knew. Pulling them into me I just cried into them, my words were smashed together that it sounded as if I was speaking gibberish. The just held me in the hallway, whispering into my ear, "Brother... it's okay. It's okay. I know... he's going to be okay. Just let it out. Just let it out."

~

Two Days Later

The rain outside bashed against the windows of my house harshly. The trees twisted and turned as if they were possessed by spirits. Animals hurried to take shelter, probably terrified and soaked. We were facing a storm... one that would last for weeks some believed. My parents are home because of it and all my siblings are locked in too.

It had been two days since... since...

"Dom?" Malik knocked at my door, "Dom, you gotta eat. Mom made soup for everyone, come downstairs." The rain was both beautiful and frightening. It embodied everything that love stands for. Watching as it's death nurtured the life around it and it's nutrients brought nature's color to full bloom. My door popped open, his footsteps neared me, "Dom?" The streets were dark, darker than they ever were. No cars or lights since the light pole was blown down. So even if someone was standing right outside my window, I couldn't see them. "Dom," his hand landed on my shoulder, firm yet soft, "stop staring outside the window. Come downstairs."

"I'm not hungry," I muttered, "eat without me."

For a moment he stayed, but then he pulled a chair over and took a seat with me. He remained quiet for a bit, but being a Storm, we always had some sort of noise, "What was he like?"

My lips quivered, fidgeting as if they caught a chill, "Kind. A bit odd for sure though. He had a thing for movies and sweets, probably because he never got to eat them for so long. His favorite thing in the world was playing with his sister named Kendra, they're two years apart. Unlike me, he was very lively, especially with food. He had a variety of meals he could make and was an expert at making deserts." A small image of his smile when he had a cupcake for the first time again. His cheeks were so red from how much he was smiling and it swallowed the good down in a minute. "He was hella smart. One of the smartest kids I knew. His tongue was sharp and so were his eyes. His favorite... his favorite," I choked up, tensing my shoulders and catching my breath, "he always loved it when I rubbed his cheek or kissed his forehead. Sometimes he wouldn't let me get up from his bed unless I did it about six times. I spoiled him... greatly. I couldn't help it though. Whenever he got happy and so excited from my gifts and treats, I too was filled with joy. The more I spoiled him though... the sicker he got. The more and more I held him, the closer we got. The happier he was and much more alive to be honest. He thrived off the affection I gave him, which only made me give it to him more."

"Dom."

"Funny things is," I chuckled but tears were forming in my eyes, "Not once did I look at him and want to do... to have sex with him. No, I didn't feel that. I just wanted to hold him, kiss his pain away and console him. I wanted him to belong to me, but not in a sexual way. It was... platonic. That's so weird. I've experienced that you know. I've fucked a lot of guys and never have I looked at them the way I looked at him. Never have I felt so connected to them or wanted them. Never did I cry over them or feel so defeated. Like... what the fuck is happening? Why has it come to this? First he tells me to hold him, to be with him, but then he fucking leaves? He leaves me here... alone... so fucking confused. I don't know how to feel. I'm pissed, but I'm heartbroken... I also happy... happy he isn't suffering anymore. Happy he isn't coughing up blood and spitting out what is left of his soul. Happy that maybe now he is running his long slender fingers along the grassy fields of some place. Happy that... that he isn't in pain. That he is in peace and is feeling the warmth he was neglected from for so long. I'm torn because I would give everything to get him back, but I never want to take him away from his paradise because I'm selfish. I'm so fucking selfish... but I can't stop it. I just can't stop being selfish." Rubbing my shoulder, he stayed with me as I cried it out.

Around three A.M. the raining stopped and I swear... that in the shadow of the night... in the little bit of light that shined from the moon, I saw Noah.... standing on the sidewalk... wearing a red fluffy jacket that was way too big for him.... smiling... smiling and waving up at me.

Like he was inviting me out to play.