DEENA (Complete)

TWELVE: Messed up..or not

Hey you!
Yes you.. you're a blessing
I'm glad to have you here.

/////////

Since after the warm hug, the warm hug from Nana. Since after the comfort I felt from that hug.. I hadn't felt good. Everything came and passed and I felt nothing, nothing but the urge to shut out from everyone. All I wanted was to be alone all the time, to digest everything, to understand what had been wrong all this while. I just wanted to think straight and get to see reasons. I wanted to know why I didn't know what love meant, and no one ever taught me. I wasn't sad or heartbroken, or disappointed or heartsick or brokenhearted, or whatever a teenage girl in my kind of condition was supposed to feel. I didn't feel zilch about everything, it was just numbness and nothing else. I badly wanted to know why my brother, my own blood brother had chosen this way of life. I wanted to know why he had a reason to call himself a human when his thoughts were wayward and his senses gone.

I became quiet and whenever anyone cared to ask, I told them it was because I would miss Ya Miimi. That wasn't a reasonable one, but that was the only excuse I could come up with.
I was always in my room either asleep or buried in thoughts and sometimes, I'd stay up all night, online if I was lucky to have data.

School resumed and my friends noticed how much I had changed. I told them it was nothing, I just needed rest. Sometimes, I busied myself with my cam and it became like my favourite thing even if I still didn't know how to use it properly. Sometimes I deleted photos mistakenly.

Ya Ali would call once in a while, "to check on me" and I would thank him and that was all.

Slowly, gradually, I began to crawl back into my shell. I hardly mingled and participated in activities I would actually love to if I wasn't sick of everything. My academic performance became affected but I wasn't bothered. I hardly concentrated in class and sometimes when I felt like, I skipped lectures.

I didn't know how serious it was, until my past began to fill in the air around me. First, it was guilt, I thought I deserved to hurt because I caused Abba's death. Then self pity, I thought I had passed through too many things and I felt so alone.

My 'mares came back and my roommates thought I should seek help. I refused until it got to a point where my days too got affected.

•••••••

I screamed so loudly and got out of bed. I was all sweaty and I panted like I had just finished a marathon race.

"Deena..what's wrong?" One of my roommates rushed to me.

"Uh..uh..he's back. He's back Neenah." I sobbed as the rest of the girls joined us.

"Who's back..another nightmare?" I nodded and she hugged me

"Don't worry, You'll be fine. Dreams are just a mirage you see.." Sophie said with a smile.

They tried to calm me down but I couldn't stop. I cried for the rest of the night, while they sat there. Neenah patted my back gently until I fell back asleep. She was the friendliest and she hardly got annoyed.

The next day, I was taken to the school clinic where I met my new therapist who asked my roommates a few questions before she sent them off.