Her Name is Memory

31| stiff stomach

Chapter 31

Your eyes pulled
Your fingers are trembling 
You close your eyes say
I don't know

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

I COULDN'T RUN AFTER HER. 

I wanted-hell needed- a few moments to process. I wanted to be strong for her. I wanted to so fucking bad, but I couldn't. 

I knew it was because I am a coward and couldn't handle it.

I was drowning. A mixture of feelings were vying for my attention. I wanted to help her. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and beat the shit out of him. My gripped my fists tightly at the thought of hitting him, my fingernails digging into my skin until I almost bled. I focused on trudging through the woods, dragging my shoes against the mud. 

I found her sitting underneath her tree. She huddled against the same tree, her body was trembling. Her hands were on her face but I could hear the sobs.

I crouched down slowly next to her, her hair covering her face. I slowly reached out to touch her shoulder. 

"Princesa?" I called out her nickname. Her head snapped up towards my direction, her reddish eyes widening at my sudden appearance. Her lips were trembling, and she cringed away from my hand. Her face looked blank like she barely recognized me there. 

I took a seat next to her at a reasonable distance. I was scared to touch her, and the last thing I wanted to do was trigger something I don't know. 

"You-u-u d-d-on't have to sit here," she mumbled through her warbled voice. She pulled back a pain smiled before it disappeared like it drained her. 

I shook my head. I inched closer to her. I slowly reached for the hand that was crossed over her body. She gripped my hand tightly to the point my fingers were turning red. 

"I'm going to sit here." I rubbed the back of her hand, looking at her. I wanted to tell her that I saw everything, but I couldn't get it out. "Do you want to talk about it?" 

She shook her head furiously. "There isn't much to talk about," she whispered. "I'm sorry." 

I frowned. "Did you just apologize? You never need to apologize for being upset. Don't apologize." 

"I always make mistakes," Elise said harshly. "I'm want to be like you. I just don't have it together. I am not a good person, and I feel like everyone hates-" she stopped when she broke into more cries. 

My brain tried to process what she said. 

I have it together? 

It felt like a lie. I felt like nothing most of the days. I was just existing, something I realized from all those nights I laid in my bed, waiting for sleep to come to me. But it normally didn't. It reminded me almost mockingly that I was alive and Mom didn't. 

I thought back to the last time I found her in the bathtub. Pain sears through my soul at her ashen face. Everyone seemed so...happy now. 

Everyone had moved on. Why couldn't I? 

"I can wholeheartedly tell you I don't have it together. Not at all," I said quietly, stroking the soft part of her hand. Her grip on my clothes tightened. I wanted to tell Elise about Mom, but I didn't want to upset her more. Or even worse, make her worry about me when she needed to worry about yourself. "Whatever your dad did is not your fault."

She stiffened underneath my arm.

"What about him?" she asked me warily. She looked up, her eyes still rimmed-red.