a dream of paradise

if i could fly

You stared straight in front of you, the music burning through your earbuds, straight into your ears. It hurt, the music being at full volume, but this way, you couldn't concentrate on your thoughts. This way, you felt numb.

You wanted to know what you felt, but you didn't want to think. Because you thinking led to overthinking which led to a ton of anxiety.

Not even the music was loud enough to drown out your thoughts. They weaved through the notes, dodged the beats, and mended together. You squeezed your eyes tight and clenched your teeth, your palms hitting your forehead as tears stun your eyes.

Why? You thought to yourself. Why can't my thoughts shut up?

Your mind finally came up with an idea that you agreed on. Yes it was  pills. Your feet had socks covering them as you walked across your room, the cool floor unable to be felt by your toes.

Back to your bed you went, sitting criss-crossed, your back to the door as you tried with shaking hands to open the bottle. Tears blinded your sight as you tried to blink them away so you could find the arrow on the bottle.

Unknownst to you, Jimin stood in your doorway, his smile fading quickly as he heard the pills rattle inside the bottle. He could hear the faint sound of the music from your earbuds, knowing if he could hear it, something was very wrong.

He knew with the volume of your music, you wouldn't hear him walk up to you. He knew if you were having so much trouble with the bottle, you probably couldn't concentrate enough to see his shadow on the wall.

That's why you jumped slightly as the bed sunk a little beside you, a third hand on the bottle of pills. You met his sad eyes with your wide, fearful ones. With his free hand, Jimin pulled out one of the earbuds, the other following. He sat them aside, looking down at the bottle of pills you still had a grip on.

"Give me the pills Y/N." He whispered gently, slowly pulling them from your hands. Your eyes shattered, lips trembling, eyebrows wavering as you finally let your grip go loose, Jimin setting the bottle beside the earbuds.

"I...I had a headache." Your voice cracked, your eyes on the floor, trying so desperately to blink the tears away. You knew Jimin wouldn't buy it, he wasn't stupid.

He pulled you into a hug, your sobs finally breaking from their chains and escaping. You gripped the back of his shirt tightly, your whole body trembling as Jimin held you together, shhing softly, rubbing your back. He formed no words, just the gentle sound of his 'shhs' was enough.

You sobbed for so long, unable to control how badly you were shaking. Jimin didn't complain. He kept you close, his hand never stopping the reassuring rubs.

And that was enough.

"Why do you want to leave me Y/N?" Jimin whispered, leaning his head against yours, closing his eyes. "Please don't go." You realized a few tears fell from his eyes, and those tears sparked another river from your eyes.

"I-I can't do this." You cried, grappling for him, both hugging each other tightly.

"Yes you can. I know you can." Jimin's voice was steady, his body sturdy and relaxed. He was your only tie to this world. God, you would've been gone a lot sooner if it wasn't for him. He lifted your hands and put them on his cheeks. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you want to leave me for forever."

Your eyes burned as you stared into his unwavering ones. "I-I can't do that."

"Then stay." He held your hands tightly, slowly lowering them from your face, but then letting his gaze leave yours. "Stay here with me. Promise me you'll stay with me and we can make so many memories, so many reasons to stay. Please, promise me."

"I promise, Jimin. I promise for you."

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i listened to 'If I Could Fly' by One Direction while writing this