Everybody Wants to Rule the World

21

Trigger Warning(s): explicit suicidal thoughts, gun violence, minor character death. the first half of this chapter contains extremely heavy material with the most explicitly-stated suicidal thoughts yet, so please proceed with caution.

And so It Begins by Klergy

~ Jimin's Point of View ~

22:47, TUESDAY, MAY 11, 2021. BUSAN, SOUTH KOREA.

First, there was blackness. I couldn't remember anything from before the operation, and the coma had left a period of darkness in my memory. It felt like my mind was new, blank, peaceful.

But that only lasted for several seconds before relinquishing to pain – searing, red-hot pain. The kind that makes you beg for the unknown fate of death. The kind that makes you curse yourself for ever taking numbness for granted.

You are mine.

Kill him.

                                                                                                     You are so stupid.

You should kill yourself.

Streetlights.

People.

Murderer.

You are a goddamn murderer.

Just die, just die, j u s t d i e.

A scream resounded in my ears – mine, most likely – and I vaguely registered that I was laying on a hard, metal surface.

Hard metal.

Like peaches.

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself, d i e.

My head was splitting in half, like a knife scraping through the crevices of my brain. I dug my nails into my palms, hoping it might divert some of the pain. But my vision was still spotty. My hearing was muffled to everything but the voices screaming at me to kill myself. My tongue tasted metallic blood. I couldn't think – it was all I could do to writhe, praying the movement might assuage the pain. The voices were so strong, so much louder than they had ever been, and they were screaming, screaming, screaming. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel anything but pain, and it was all centered in my head.

I needed them out.

They needed to get out.

Out.

Oh, my God.

Out.

I slammed my head back against the metal, still screaming my throat hoarse, but the impact only made the pain worse. I raised my hands to my head to double the force and slammed my head so hard into the table that my vision went black for several moments. The voices just kept screaming at me, kill yourself, die, so much pain, you deserve death, you're so stupid, everyone hates you, we hate you, we think you should die, we know you should die, no one loves you.

"Please," I screamed, begging for somebody, anybody to hear me. "Kill me. Let me die, holy fu–"

"He needs to be restrained." The voice was surprisingly calm. How could anyone be calm while I was in excruciating pain?