I was walking into the crumbles of the night looking at the moon and the clouded sky, made me remember how much I enjoy the night over the day more than most people think that is. Walking makes me want to remember the mistakes I did in the past, the mistakes that makes me who I am now and the mistakes that will make me in the future; I still wonder if there will a time in my life where I can find a peace of mind that is not necessary death as a whole. I'm not the same I used to be like before, and I will never be again; is a very distant dream that is. Many of us look for a place to belong a place to call "home" and many of us fail to do so, we fail in ways that makes us want to die at the same it makes us want to try again and look for a another way of belonging. I'm not here to tell you what you should do with your life but to let you know that there are many more things in life that you should reconsider before acting like a maniac in fugitive by going from place to place by not telling the same joke over and over but by living on your own mistakes and learning from them.
I will present you the life of a woman who was just as empty as many of you. A woman that lives for herself and no one else's sake, let me tell you her story.
I was looking at the mirror and the reflection of it, I hated it I hated her and I hated me, for many many many times that I look into the mirror makes me want to break that mirror and never look at my own reflection again, to never fall into others' perception of myself but alas that can't be possible knowing me I will look again and find more flaws and imperfections that there will ever be a positive of me.
-"HOW PATHETIC."
Yes, I'm pathetic for thinking like this and even though I can't take it back I'm likely to never face another woman or man or anyone by that matter, though I wonder if I will ever find my own peace of mind my own standards and my own perceptions that don't involve others into my mind. I sighed and said to myself "who knows."
Mornings were my least favorite part of the day having to waking up is hard enough, even though now is still the most complicated feelings of all; the feeling of waking up to "serve someone else" is really a complicated feeling one—no one absolutely tells you that you should be in this world just to "serve into someone else," probably one of the worst feelings to have ever manifest. I ended up going to the roof where I usually like to stay and calm myself, no one is interrupting me there and let's me analyze my own thoughts; after a while I went downstairs to get ready for the day and to make matters worse the food that I cook was not the best but I could survive on it.
I have the bad habit of judging people, many do, but for me specially is the worst of the worst; is not as if I can possibly go by my day without a day in my life in which I'm not judging anyone that crosses my eyes, I wish I could stop those those thoughts the "THEY HAVE A BETTER LIFE THAN ME!" Or "hey look at them they are happier than I will ever be!" Ha! How funny, you think that I haven't being able to cancel them with other thoughts that aren't depressing or not euphoric? That unfortunately doesn't happen often for me, is hard and very, very,very lonely. I do yearn for a Pearce of mind, I do year for a peace that is not death itself; I don't fear it I fear more the living than the death at times I think of the possibility of knowing that we are eternal beings and that we are connected one way or another. Do let me tell you this, life can't coexist without death they go hand in hand. To live is to understand that we never "die" per se, and that we should never underestimate those around us, that was a lot of ramble; now let's get back to the story.
We tell children that they can fly, if they believe hard enough they will think that they can fly—why don't we tell ourselves the same thing? Why don't we let ourselves be kids again like that again? Though things will not be the same for you nor for me I will tell you this, we are powerful creatures living in a physical life, you my dear can and have the ability to unlock those "abilities" there are no exceptions if we want to have peace of mind then let us be alone that's how it works, that's how it is my friend.
After that long ramble of thoughts I picked up my glasses and go back to home back to where I belong and back where I want to be, after that I open the door to my apartment and let myself throw to the couch where it probably has a need of a huge cleaned up that will be held tomorrow since is the weekend. Fast forward a few hours into the night I make my dinner which was just a pasta with tuna and a soda, I then turn on the tv to stream some cartoons and put the plate on the coffee table and the soda as well, a few hours into the night and it was morning already I couldn't sleep the whole night and had many laziness to even go to work today so I called in and this is how it went:
Manager: "hello?"
Me: "hello manager, I would like to work from today if is possible."
Manager: "Let this be the last time for this month, I don't want to fire you for the many times that you have being working from home; though I can't blame you since you have a pretty decent performance, the boss wants to talk with you about it once you recover."
Me: "I'm sorry for any trouble I might cause for the many times I don't go to work, I'm just not very well mentally."
Manager: "It's alright we have ups and downs, we can react and we can choose how to react—please take care of yourself."
Me: "I will, thank you Manager."
Manager: "No problem."
After that I planned on looking for a place in which I can relax and not let my mind wonder for far too long, nevertheless it feels as if I will not be able to hold them together for too long. I go to my computer desk where I quickly started to do my duties for work of the day, it hasn't being long since I became an employee at this company that specializes in branches over branches of other companies in the industry which is... about technology of the infinite galaxy Corporation, they have being a pain since I entered this company and haven't reply to any email nor complain I send them—Is weird how this company only has labels over labels and so the company I'm working for is part of IGC (short for Infinite Galaxy Corporation).
It also feels as if the CEO of IGC knows me somehow, oh well no time for that. After wondering into my thoughts I finished the last task of the day and sent in a report of the sales and the clients' complains there were many way too much to even count. After eating lunch I head out for a walk, it was rather windy but that didn't bother too much walking like this does really help me relax a lot, if I could count the many things that makes me relax I would definitely be ending up with a list of over 60 items—I then chuckle at the thought it honestly has being a while since I felt this easy and carefree like a very young teenage girl out of nowhere, is nice to feel like this once in a while.
