The Death Of Me {Jamilton}

Rachel's Pushing Daisies

{A/N: First off, brief suicide mention trigger warning. Secondly, here's a song for you guys that seems fitting for this chapter. I know this chapter title isn't sarcastic like most, and that's for a good reason, as this is going to be a very solemn chapter, so here's your warning that if you get emotional easily you may want to grab the tissues}

{Thomas's POV}

The change was becoming more noticeable, two days after Alex had told me about how desperately he wanted to trade his life for his mothers and how she was going to die any day, he refused a debate Mr. Washington suggested. The day after that, I was asked by several people if I'd noticed his loss of fire. Passing in the hallway on Wednesday I heard a kid named Aaron call Alexander a bastard, but Alex just stared at him a second and then walked away to his next class, everyone was confused, but I wasn't, I knew what was happening.

I had offered him a ride most mornings seeing as I usually saw him walking, shivering as he trudged through the snow that now blanketed the ground of New York City, however today--Friday if you were at all curious--when I saw him walking and asked if he wanted a ride, he said no, despite clearly being ridiculously cold in the snow that he was not at all used to.

"What do you mean No? Alexander, you're freezin' out there, I know you are."

"So? Let me freeze, I don't care. I don't need a ride."

"Are you tryin' to use the snow as some weird-ass suicide attempt? Just get in the damn car before you freeze to death."

"Why?" He stared at me, with someone else that might be intimidating, but the guy was ridiculously short, and he was just tired, he didn't have a strong stance, his shoulders were slumped, and he had incredibly dark bags beneath his eyes, "What's the point? You have hated me since the moment we met, you tolerated me because I demanded it so if you wanted your wallet... But you find out my... My mom is dying... And suddenly you care about whether or not I die? You're reminding me to eat? What the fuck is this Jefferson?"

"It's called makin' sure my peer doesn't fuckin' die," I answer plainly.

"... Did you forget?"

"Forget what?"

"... What you said to me... Did you forget?"

I glanced down a second and considered what he was saying then returned my gaze to him, "Sorry, I haven't got a clue what you mean."

He sighed, "Thought you might've forgotten..." He mumbled, taking a few steps closer to the car, "About three weeks into the school year... We'd just done a debate in Mr. Washington's class, obviously, things got heated. The class ended, people were clearing out, and you looked at me told me something I don't think I'll ever forget Thomas."

I was beginning to get nervous with what he was saying, was it better or worse that I didn't remember this moment?

"Go back to where you came from. No one fucking wants a bastard immigrant like you here. Better yet, just go off yourself, it'd be better for the world if you did."

Are you kidding me? Am I kidding me? Out of all things I could've said, that had to be it? "Alexander, you probably won that debate, and I was probably still feeling the heat or something..." What kind of shitty excuse was this, "Look, I'm sorry, I don't even remember saying that to you."

"You still said it."

"Well whether or not I meant it then, I don't mean it now."

After my response he'd gone quiet, looking down, shuffling his feet a little when a gust of wind blew past causing him to visibly shiver.

"Can I just give you a ride?"

"... I don't know why you're so insistent..." He mumbled, "Fine. Fine. Whatever."

I was relieved to hear this, Alex walked over and got into the car, holding his hands up to the heater to thaw his cold fingers. I let out a breath and continued the drive to school. Suddenly a thought came to my mind, what if Rachel had been asking me to watch Alex because of things like this? He seemed like he was indifferent to the idea of falling face-first into the snow and waiting for death, he seemed ready to just stop existing, at least from my viewpoint it seemed to me like he didn't want to be alive, but he didn't necessarily want to die, of course, I could be wrong, this was simply my view of things.

At first, I planned to let this car ride go by silently but then I decided to ask, "How are you? Ya know, all things considered..."