« Noah. »
He jumped at the sound of my voice. He probably didn't hear me coming. As I approached, he seemed very focused in his own thoughts. Even in the dark, I could tell he had been crying. His eyes were red and swollen. I felt for his pain, but I had too much on my chest to be sympathetic. He turned towards me and looked down at his feet.
« I'm so sorry. I should have told you... I... never meant for this to happen. »
« Oh come on Noah, you knew what you were doing. You're not innocent! »
« I... I... You're right. I'm not. I let myself be into that situation. I distanced myself from you. I allowed myself getting closer and closer to Chloe... I...»
« What happened? I really need to know. »
« Nothing... Nothing in the sense that you mean. We just grew closer and closer and I got confused and... I guess being long-distance was harder than I thought. I feel like such a failure, Elle. I'm so sorry. »
His voice broke. He sat on the floor, or more, let himself touch the ground. He let his head rest between his hands. I felt so much anger, I still had so many questions and felt he wasn't providing me with clear answers. But looking at him on the floor, despair took the better of me and I joined him on the floor.
« I know what you mean... I can't say I'm completely innocent either. I failed you too. »
« Only because I drew this bridge between us... Kept you away... I felt I didn't know what I wanted anymore... »
My heart stung as I listened to him. He didn't know anymore. It wasn't just you only you anymore. Hadn't been for a long time. At the same time, I felt a bit reasurred. I hadn't made all of that drama in my head. The distance I felt, my fear of losing him, all of that was real. And really happening. I felt numb. I looked at him in the dark. I could only see his dark hair. My voice started to shiver.
« So... What now? »
As soon as the words left my mouth, I wanted to take them back. They sounded weak. Because I was vulnerable and hurt, and I was clinging to the love we shared and felt during this past year. It just couldn't end like this, could it?
« Honestly? »
« Yeah I would like that. »
I heard myself chuckle. The fact that I was able to joke when my eyes were full of tears was beyond me. Noah chuckled too. For a brief second, we shared a true moment of closeness. I couldn't hold back a few tears. I felt unfair, beautiful, sad. Real.
« I'm going back to Harvard, focus on my studies. I was embarrassed to tell you but it's been a difficult year for me. I'm behind almost every class, it's super challenging, and I had a lot of issues fitting in. Chloe is the one who introduced me to her friends and made me feel like I belong. »
« You're together now? Chloe and you? »
« I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens now. »
« Now »
At that point, I was fully sobbing. It was worse than I have expected. I felt I didn't matter, that none of what we lived mattered, that I was just a senior year fling that became too much to bring to college. He wrapped his arm on my shoulders and sighed.
« Elle, I never thought we would be having this conversation. But now I... I don't think either of us can come back from the pain we've caused each other. I'm not sure we should...»
« I feel numb. »
« Me too. »
We stayed in the dark, listening to the silence around us, contemplating what was left of us. Shattered hearts, broken trust and the feeling of losing a best friend, an accomplice, a true companion. My very first love.
« Maybe we could come back from this. But you're right, we've gone too far. You with Chloe... I would always doubt that something might happen or that you're lying and me... »
« Well I saw you kiss that dude.»
« Well you're not the only one. »
« It broke my heart, you know. When I saw you I knew I had lost you. That hurt. So, so much. Still does. »
« I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish...»
I couldn't finish my sentence. I wish things had stayed the same. That we could go back to last summer. It felt like it happened in another life. Noah took my hand and firmly hold on to it. I love him. What can I say? I love that man. And it's probably the last time I'll be close to him ever again.
« Thank you Noah. Thank you for everything. Your confidence, your smile, your energy... You're a beautiful person and I'm lucky I have shared all of that with you. You're my first love and you'll have a special place in my heart. Always. »
« I wish we didn't have to... »
« Break-up ? Yeah we kinda have to. »
« What are you going to do? Graduation is in a couple of months for you.»
« Hope I get into Berkeley, and... see it from there. »
« You won't come to Harvard? »
« Good thing we're having this conversation now, aren't we? »
This time, we both laughed. I felt a bit lighter. Noah was still my Noah. I believed him when he said he didn't mean to. I believed him when he said nothing happened. Apart from emotional involvment I guess, not that it made things easier. He was lonely and Chloe, vibrant, fun and beautiful Chloe was there for him. They shared a bond and grew closer when I wasn't there. I couldn't help but wonder: would the same situation have happened if I had been there? Again, not that it mattered. And well, I had to be true to my own flaws. I became very close to Marco. So now, I knew what it was like to become closer and closer to someone without realizing the invisible barrier you were crossing. Noah and I were contemplating what was left of us.
« I hope one day we can still be friends. »
« Me too. I would like that. »
« It's too soon though. We should keep some distance for now, don't you think? »
« I agree... but it's going to hurt so much not talking to you anymore. »
« I know. I'll really miss you Noah. »
I stood up. He was still on the floor and lifted his head to look at me. He was crying. I put my hand on his shoulder and pressed. I would miss these eyes. I leaned in and kissed his forehead. The touch of his skin under my lips was both torture and freedom, it was hard to make sense of it all. We've been seeing each other in secret for half the school year, spent the entire summer together, yet we didn't make it through goint the distance.
For several days, as I grew angry at him being so distant and all of the clues pointing towards him giving up on us, I had imagined our "big conversation". Not one of the words I had thought of by myself made sense anymore. We were both beyond hurt. It was time to acknowledge the loss and move on, as crushing as it sounded. I loved him so much. A huge part of me still loved him, and probably would for a long time, if not ever. Too much had happened and none of us were willing to make it work. We had to choose our own paths. I had to choose myself. Noah and I were over and it didn't make any sense.
« Elle... I'm really really sorry. For everything. »
« It will be okay. For you and for me. Not now but... It will be. Take care Noah.»
« You too, Shelly. »
I ran home faster than I had ever ran. I turned off my phone and passed out, still crying. Shelly. That was it. We were over.
YOU ARE READING
Moonshot - Marco Pena & Elle Evans
Teen Fiction** The Kissing Booth 2 Alternate Universe ** Hi everyone! I really really enjoyed The Kissing Booth 2, as many of you probably did too. It was much more compelling than the first one to me because of Marco's character. I found him extremely interest...
