I wonder how long I need to practice my own breathing to realize that no matter how many times I tried to calm myself from this misery, you're already long gone. You'd linger like a tattoo kiss, your touch etched against my skin, your love carved within my beating chest, and memories with you still vivid, drilled in the back of my head.
I found your white cardigan under my bed, it was your favourite one right? You used to wear it everytime you visited my place and cuddled with me. It's been 5 years, but the scent remains in the smooth fabric. Maybe it's just my wild imagination or maybe because I know your smell too well that it makes me crazy and feel myself breaking down all over again. Tell me Lisa, do I sound like an obsessed woman who couldn't get over her ex? It's been so fucking long since you left me for someone else. Yet, here I am cradling the only piece of yourself you left under the mattress.
I'm afraid I may start crying my heart out just remembering every moments I had with you, every kiss we shared, your arms around my waist and your chin rested against my shoulder. You wiped down my tears, you gave me love and created this kind of happiness that I'll never found in anyone else. Now, you left me with cheeks stained with new set of tears, you left when I needed you the most.
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time.
I hate you for wrecking me.
Fuck you for bringing rainbows and unicorns.
Fuck you for making me laugh just to leave me with this frown marked right here inside of my heart.
Fuck you for making me giddy and nervous whenever we kiss, just for you to make me miss it.
Maybe my love's not enough that you decided to find someone. Someone who's prettier, kinder, and wiser than me. Someone who's better than me, someone who's worth tying a knot with.
And for that, fuck you for flaunting my insecurities.
It's been years, but do you even miss me? Like how I miss you right now? Of course you don't, because you're happy and inlove right now. Why do you have to do that? Why do you have to break every fucking pieces of my heart and leave like it was nothing?
How am I supposed to help myself when you're my safe haven, my anchor and my daily dose of happiness.
How am I gonna mend this pain? How am I supposed to get over you when it was you inside my heart and mind all along?
I hoped you'd miss me once the thrill expired. Because I knew you'd come back to me.
You will come back,
just to shatter me,
over and over again.
Yours Truly,
Jennie,
With Love, Pain, Longing, and Regret.
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