My Summer Love Story

7th

June 25th 2020,I had a hell of a first week since our break up,mas lalong lumala yung drinking habits ko,i even smoked secretly tuwing umiinom kami. 

Kahit ilan pang lalaki yung pinakilala nila sa akin,parang hindi sila lahat sapat para alisin or hipuin manlang yung sugat sa akin. Sa unang linggo ng moving on ko,mas nag focus ako sa bigat na dinadala ng puso ko.

Tuwing hindi ko maramdaman yung katawan ko,its either hihiwa ako ng isang linya sa katawan ko...syempre yung hindi makikita.I hid it from them,and I was lucky because no one noticed it.I was a big fat ass liar,i pretended that our break up was just nothing to me.

I had boys and they were all wrapped around my fingers,and i played with them just to ease my numbing heart.

Cheating is wrong,and i never cheated.

I am single now,I am not committed to anyone. Ngayon na malaya na ako,ginagawa ko na lahat yung mga gusto kong gawin. Lahat naman ng gusto ko nasusunod,whether its a person nor an object nakukuha ko. That mere delusion i created inside my head was my comfort zone.

I lied to my own self,just to escape the reality i was in.

I used guys to divert my pain,i used them to move on,i used them to make me feel happy...even if it's just in a short period of time. 

July 2020,The second week was for me to accept it slowly,na tatanggapin ko na wala na talaga. I am accepting it now,lalo na kasi nakita ko yung IG feed niya na....wala na ako,wala na yung pictures ko.

That moment,i realized na wala na talaga. He let me go,and same goes for me. But mine's different,even if it's been weeks nor months right now,my heart is till waiting for him to come back. And I hate that fact,I hate knowing it,I hate that i'm still longing for him.

May mga tanong sa isip ko na bumabagabag,may mga araw na hindi ko mapigilan na isipin siya,may mga araw na nagsisisi ako sa desisyon na ginawa ko. My heart is yearning for him,missing his touch,voice,and how he made me smile. 

August 2020,Nagising ako ng isang araw,nalaman ko na hindi na ako...hindi na ako yung mahal niya. He love someone now,and i'm not happy knowing that. He's moving on and he is starting to love someone and i hate it and that isn't me.

Though part of me knowing that makes me a bit happy,because someone will love him as much as he loves her.That was my mistake right? I didn't fight for him,I didn't love him the way he deserved to be loved.Kaya wala akong karapan na mag inarte ngayon,kasi sa simula't sapul ako yung nanakit,pinili ko siyang saktan.

Time and Date,sa mga oras na ito wala na akong pakielam. I was breathing but I'm not living,i was supposed to be happy,enjoying my youth,and my freedom but how can i? how could i?

Nag hanap ako ng mga pampalipas ng oras habang naka-quarantine,nag online shopping ako at yun ang isa sa mga kina-adikan ko.Sinubukan ko ulit na mag simula ulit,sinubukan kong magentertain ng mga lalaki to ease my boredom.Sinubukan kong mag workout at least 3 times a week,nag calorie deficit din ako and i really want to lose some weight. 

Maayos narin yung body clock ko,nakakatulog na ako ng tama sa oras pero minsan nakakapagpuyat kasi yung ibang nakakausap ko nakikipag video call pa hanggang hating gabi. 

September 2020,I was starting to feel loved or liked again by someone,I started to notice them,I started to care again.

Sometimes we have to embrace our past and our mistakes and it should not be repeated again. We should not repeat our same mistakes nor give it again to other people who doesn't deserve it.

There are lots of people who deserve it, lots of chances for the right person, and enough reasons for them to stay,without saying the words coming out from our mouths.

In this month, i intent to heal with someone whom i can share my secrets with. Our past makes us who we are today and i believe it can make us stronger than before. Sa bawat minuto, sa bawat oras, sa bawat araw na lumilipas... pipiliin kong bumangon at lumaban.

I will fight for myself and not for someone unworthy. Sa tingin ko rin, eto yung mas nakakabuti para sa akin. And so... this month of September became the last month of my healing process from my previous relationship.