Chasing London

Chasing London

Amongst the darkness I sit alone, cold and scared, my heart races as tears flow out of my eyes like a river that has burst its banks.

I sit and try and gather my thoughts but it’s like everything is black and filled with regret.

I was once happy like everyone else but just like a puzzle that is put together once you pick it up it cracks and crumbles. I have a memory from when I was little; I would lie down in the soft green grass and throw flower petals up in the air and watch the breeze drag them away; I would think to myself “I wish I could fly amongst the flowers and dance with all the petals floating around me.” But somehow everything managed to change, it all changed so quickly before I knew it the person I once was changed and it was like I would never be able to get that person back again.

I used to attend school, have friends and be happy.

At school we always used to have sports education and have drilled into us that drugs are bad, and that you should drink in moderation; but I just brushed it off and paid no attention, I always told myself there was no way in my right mind I would ever do drugs and get hammered. When you’re young you take everything for granted and you’re just oblivious to anything bad that may happen; it’s like it doesn’t exist. I wish that I could just put my life on rewind and rewind all the way back to these classes just so I could pay more attention because maybe then I would have known the signs and avoided all of this and I wouldn’t have this emptiness that I feel.

One of my best friends was having a party and they sent invitation’s out the party was invite only. My parents would usually say no but I convinced them to let me go, I said I was trust worthy and that they could trust me to do the right thing, but no, I not only lied to them but to myself as well.

I read that invitation over and over, the letter read:

Dear London,

You are invited to Oliviya’s 16th birthday party

BYO

At Harps Hall

Starts at 9:00pm and finishes at whenever

Rsvp before January the 12th

Hope you can make it xoxo

that one party changed my whole life and it would continue to change it until I took control of my life and got things back on track.

On the night of the party I got ready and was dressed in a deep purple strapless formal dress that came to my knees, my pale skin enhanced the dress and my dark long black hair fell and blended with the dress; this would be the first time that I was truly happy with something I wore and I actually believed I looked good for once. I left a bit early for the party because Oliviya being Oliviya she was going to want my opinion on what she was wearing or help pick what to wear. When I arrived at Oliviya’s house she was dressed in a beautiful white dress, her long blonde hair sat perfectly with her fringe swept to the side with a white flower clip to pin it there in a messy straggly heap.

We left her house together and when we arrived at the hall, the first person I saw was Zane; the very first thing that ran through my head was” what he is doing here; he is only going to cause trouble!” But then I stopped thinking about that and my mind switched to how I could break up with him. He was so cute with his brown eyes and dark brown curly hair and his smile, his smile was to die for. I just hoped he didn’t talk to me because I’m not going to know what to say back. I reached for the door handle and before I had a chance to pull it Zane raced over and helped me out. Zane has always been so kind to me even after everything that happened.  I knew that he wished we could go back to what once was but I just didn’t feel the same, especially after I found out he hung around with junkies. Sure Zane was an adrenalin junkie but at least we both had fun doing something he enjoyed because he helped me face my fear and do bungee jumping and Sky diving. He loved the adrenalin it gave him and the feeling that he got when he got the rush but much to my disappointment so did I; But that’s different to taking pills to get a high or shooting up to get a rush.

After about 10 minutes of assessing the situation I then realised that all of Zane’s junkie mates had just pulled up in their heap of shit they call a car. If I didn’t know better I would say that the car was a cardboard box on wheels that had a cup of water spilt on it but in reality it was a rusty, dirty and unwashed car that smelt like several animals had died in it, not to mention the smoke that the exhaust was blowing out. As soon as they got out of the car I prayed they wouldn’t come over to where we were standing but surely enough they walked over with their tough act walk over to where Zane and I was standing and without even saying “hi” James says, “what the hell are you standing with that drop dead faggot for?”  Zane just slumped his head to face the ground, as he wouldn’t say a word. As soon as I opened my mouth something directed at James instantly came out, “Who are you calling drop dead? Sure no one is perfect but you should be the last person to judge anyone, you may put on the tough act and think you’re all that but really you’re a no hoper, so continue the tough act because I’m not buying it. Hope you get what is coming for you one day.” James just stood there in silence as if I didn’t say anything. “Shut your trap you scummy piece of shit everyone knows you’re a ‘ho so deal with it,” said Jay-T  as if James couldn’t speak for himself; I knew that this could go on forever so I just walked off and went to where everyone else was.

Hayley walked over and said, “Someone’s come to have some fun,” and passed me a drink, I didn’t want to say no so I just accepted it. I thought it would be the only one but over the course of the night as soon as I finished more and more kept coming my way.  Zane walked over and confronted me and said “London you have had enough, let’s go.” I don’t know what came over me I started crying and words just came out of my mouth, I know that what I was saying was what I was thinking but I didn’t want to say it “ Zane I love you I always have I ended things because I hated your friends, I regret ever breaking up with you. It was the worst think I have ever done.”  Zane grabbed me and brought me closer, it felt so wrong that it felt so right. I was choking on my stomach and he looked me in the eye and kissed me, we left the party and went back to Jay-t’s and after that everything was black. I woke up on the floor with an empty bag beside me and I was lying in vomit Jay-t got up and passed me some pills and laughed his evil little chuckle,  I don’t know what came over me but it’s like I was craving what was in his hands; I don’t know how I got to this I try to remember but my memory is all patchy after I get to this house “I can’t of I didn’t, take it off him, you know you want to” I  kept hearing in my head.  I wanted to but I knew I didn’t want to but I had the desire to take it so I did.

My life changed at that moment. Every one after weeks of doing this said I looked different I looked sick.  I slowly withered away every time I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at every time I stopped to look in the mirror I saw a pale drawn in face or if a larger mirror my drawn out collar bones, my skinny arms, my figure is just drawn in but somehow seeing this still doesn’t make me stop. I want to stop but I just can’t, I keep going and I can’t get who I was back. It’s like I walked over a well and the old me fell in but something evil must have taken the bucket, that person’s never coming back, she is gone.

I have been in hospital several times because I have mixed something I kept the bracelets that they put on my wrist as a reminder, but every time I see them I think about how good I felt, but now I just wish no one found me I wish I just died because I don’t like who I have turned into.  I just want everything back to the way it was; my parents wish they never knew me I have lost all the people that mean the most to me I have lost EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

December 10th I was put into life support after trying to commit suicide.

December 30th my heart stopped beating the Drs got it beating again this once but it happened again.

I am now at my funeral, which is at the beach that I loved, and my ashes have been spread in the sea. I am now gone.

I am now free of all the regret, the big hole that filled my life for a very long time is now filled.

I know my parents will miss me but I couldn’t stand to see them hurt. When I was around I didn’t want to disappoint them more, at least now they will know I’m in a better place and that I’m doing better than what I was when I was here after everything that went wrong.

Even though I’m gone my memory will always live on with the ones who loved me and I will always be with them because even after someone is gone their memory always stays in your heart.