Open Hearts Are Broken Hearts [ S.R ]

15. So I Just Need To Tell Her

When Spencer arrived the next morning to work, he'd brought the same two coffees he always did. One had five packs of sugar the other had three.

In his other hand he held the same pink box you'd set on his desk nine months ago. Two doughnuts were inside, both chocolate with sprinkles.

When he'd stopped to order them this morning, he didn't remember what had happened the days prior. It didn't hit him until after he placed it.

When he set it down on his desk, he looked around the room. He was late today. He guessed the lack of sleep that weekend caused him to sleep through is alarm this morning.

He set the coffees down on his desk, looking over at the empty chair that usually contained his whole world.

JJ caught him staring and walked up behind to comfort him. She placed her hand on his shoulder as she spoke quietly, "Hotch announced it this morning. She put in her transfer request yesterday and asked for vacation until it went through."

"She did what?" Spencer spun to look at JJ.

"I think she's gone, Spence," the name stung. You were the last one to call him that. "Didn't she tell you?"

Spencer walked away from JJ and sunk into his chair, "No, she didn't. We had a fight. I haven't heard from her since. She didn't respond to any of my messages. Have you heard from her?"

JJ shook her head with a confused look on her face, "No, I haven't heard anything from her."

"Where's Emily?" He was almost screaming but he didn't notice. He just needed to know.

JJ was taken back from his raised tone. "She's been talking Hotch all morning after he announced her transfer. I haven't got to talk to-"

Spencer was out of his chair before JJ finished her sentence.

He ran through the pull pen and opened Hotch's office door without even knocking. Emily and Hotch halted their conversation and diverted their eyes from each other to Spencer in the doorway. They could see the tears welling in his eyes.

"Is it true?" Spencer fought back the tears.

Hotch only nodded as he looked down at her transfer file below him. "I was about to push it through but Emily came in to talk to me."

Spencer looked from Hotch to Emily, the desperation growing in his eyes. "Did Y/N tell you?" he asked Emily as he walked into the office and closed the door behind him.

Emily dropped her eyes as she nodded to him. He looked to Hotch to see him unable to hold eye contact either. He assumed Emily told Hotch whatever Y/N had told her.

Spencer walked into the middle of the room and sunk into the chair across from Hotch's desk. Spencer dropped his face into hands as he tried to control his breathing.

"I wanted to tell her," Spencer broke the silence filling the room. Both Hotch and Emily looked up at him, looked at each other, and back at Spencer.

Spencer shifted his gaze between theirs, "I love her."  His voice was quiet, shaky even. "I do, but I was scared."

He brought his hand to his mouth to muffle the cry rising in his throat before removing it to continue, "The last time I loved someone, I- I lost... I lost her." He wiped the tear out of his eye, "I loved Maeve, and I watched her bleed out in front of me."

"Spencer," Emily whispered. She hadn't seen him cry since he was holding Maeve's dead body. She knew how hard those memories were for her, let alone for him.

"No Emily, it's true!" He was getting defensive as Emily tried to skip over that memory. "The last time I loved someone, she died... I just didn't want her to get hurt too. but now I've managed to hurt her even more then a bullet would have," Spencer couldn't hold his voice at the same tone. It was breaking left and right as he choked down the tears.

He looked up at Hotch, "How can I fix this?" He shifted his eyes to Emily. "Help me, please. I can't lose her too."

Emily could hear the pure desperation in his voice, "Well, when she came to my place, she was crying cause she thought you didn't love her, that she'd given you so many chances and you never said it. She said if you truly loved her, it would have just slipped out."

Spencer was listening trying to understand what she was saying, "So I just need to tell her?"

He stood up from his chair. "I just need to tell her how much I love her and how much she makes me laugh and how much she makes me smile and how she makes me feel happy for the first time since Maeve and how much I want to spend my life with her and how afraid I am to lose her and how that's why I couldn't tell her."

"Why didn't you tell her that before?" Emily quietly questioned. She was thinking about just how broke the woman sitting on her couch two days ago was and Emily just wanted to understand why he caused all that pain to her.

"Because I was afraid to lose her," Spencer looked from his hands to Emily.

"The last time I was afraid to lose someone, I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her before I lost her. I- I can't lose her without telling her first." Spencer was growing frantic as the fear of losing you without you knowing how he truly felt grew.

"I gotta go tell her. Hotch I have to go tell her," he started pulling on the door knob as he opened the door.

Hotch stopped his frantic movements, "Spencer?" Hotch waited for Spencer to look at him. When he did, he continued, "I can wait a day to put through her transfer and I don't want to send it through. Please, fix this."

Spencer swallowed hard as he listened to Hotch. He nodded before taking off through the bull pen. He grabbed his stuff from his desk, including the coffees and doughnuts. He ran out the door, ignoring the questions Derek and JJ were asking.

He threw his stuff in the passenger seat as he sped out of the parking lot. He had her route memorized at this point. It was the only place he ever truly wanted to go after work.

When he approached your building, he threw the car into park. He almost forgot to pull the key out of the ignition as he ran for your front door.

He ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. When he got in front of your door, he reached for the knob. When he turned it and stopped quickly, he realized it was locked.

He knocked on the door and called out your name, "Y/N!"

When you didn't respond, he remembered the key you gave him a couple months back. It was on the same key chain as his car key. He dug through his pockets for his keys and fumbled to find the right one. He unlocked the door and pushed it open, "Beauti-"

He stopped standing in the doorway.

Your bookshelf was empty.

Nova's food bowls were gone.

He stepped inside, hoping you just moved the missing items.

But when he knelled down and called out Nova's name in the best baby voice he could muster, he felt the fears in the back of his throat growing.

There were no four white paws pitter-patting towards him.

Nova was gone.

And so were you.