Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.seventeen.

It's funny how your life can change in a second. It's funny how one moment, you could be laughing and on top of the world, and the next, you're on the floor, begging God for mercy. We take life for granted, and even those that have gone through near-death experiences don't appreciate this one chance on Earth enough. 

My entire body is buzzing and a small smile still refuses to leave my face as I relive today's moments with Hoseok. I liked him. Way too much. I knew I was falling hard, but I was trying my hardest to not let the fear eat me alive. He's not your ex. 

The elevator doors open and I step out with a bounce in my step. My eyes immediately land on Seung-goon waiting in front of my door. Speak of the devil. 

"Autumn, dear." 

I grit my teeth at the nickname, at his voice. "Kim Seung-goon." 

I search for his eyes in the amber light and observe his movements, trying to gauge the situation. Seung-goon walks up to me and I keep my gaze on him. His eyes are stable and clear. I mentally breathe out a sigh of relief. He was sober tonight. 

"I want you to leave," I say, tilting my head back to maintain eye contact. 

Seung-goon chuckles. Why did he have to be so attractive? "You always want me to leave, Dear." 

I take a deep breath and force myself to keep my eyes open as I do so, even though I want to close them and pray that he would be gone once I opened them again. "What do you want?" I finally manage out, my jaw still clenched and my body still tense. 

Instantly, just like that, Seung-goon drops to his knees. "Autumn, dear. I need you," he whispers. "It's not just that I want you back. Dear, I need you. My dad, I think he started drinking again. I thought he was getting better but I just...gosh, Autumn. I don't know. All I know is that you always manage to make me feel okay. You're the only person I can trust." 

I take another deep breath, unsure of what to do with this news. I knew that one of the reasons why Seung-goon turned out to be such an ass was because of his abusive father. Although he did move out, meaning he would no longer be affected by his father physically, his mother was the sweetest person alive and Seung-goon deeply cared for her. If his father started drinking again, that would mean she would be the only one left in the household for him to hit. 

"I need you," he repeats again. 

He needs me. He needs me.

He needs me. But I'm not an idiot. I had learned from my mistakes.

I sit down on the dirty floor next to Seung-goon and he lifts his head, his eyes hopeful. My instinct is to reach out and comfort him, something I had grown so used to doing while we were dating. I had felt like I was finally the one that would fix him. I felt like I was the special one in his life that would truly change him into a different person. I had been naive.

"Seung-goon-ssi, I'm always here for you if you need support and help. But you are not going to take me back and emotionally abuse like you did. If you think I'm someone that can change you, you're wrong. Go to a professional, seek out help. Stop hurting people in the process of trying to find yourself." 

Seung-goon's eyes flash with a familiar fire. "You think I need fixing. You think I need to change. Autumn, I thought you would be the only person that wouldn't see me like that. I thought you were different. I thought you were special." 

I stay silent for a few moments, reminding myself that his play on words no longer have an effect on me. "You don't need fixing, Seung-goon. What does need fixing, however, is your reaction to your past. You've been hurt, abused, broken. There are professionals that can help you. I can't do anything other than provide moral support." 

"You mean go to a therapist?" 

I rub my ear, knowing how he would take my response. Mental illnesses and going to therapy had the weirdest social stigma in Korea and I hated it. I hated how the society was so obsessed with the materialistic importance of university and salary-amount that they looked at mental disorders as something imperfect and insignificant. 

"If you don't want to go to a therapist, then that's fine. There are other ways you can express your pain. Try focusing on smaller, everyday habits. I know you're hurt, Seung-goon-ssi. But taking out that hurt on other people isn't the only form of coping." 

Seung-goon drops his head and just nods slowly. It's hard to not have my heart soften at the image of an attractive, extremely fit grown man crying on the floor, but I remember what he had put me through to pull myself out of the trance. He may be transparent now, but I had had my share of the counter side of this, and I was determined to learn from my mistakes. 

"Can I come inside? I haven't eaten dinner yet." 

I rub my ear, unsure of what to say. If he came inside, anything could happen. Out here, there were cameras in case he did anything. If I screamed out here, people would more likely hear me. If he came inside, he might try anything to disparage me or use his words against me again. 

But one look at his fallen image and I start to reconsider. Bringing him inside just to be a nice person couldn't do any harm. I did say I wanted to help him and support him. Plus, I would feel like a terrible person if I just left him alone in this state. If he were anyone else, I would bring him inside immediately. But he's not anyone else. I'm torn between the two sides, wishing I could pull out my hair at how confused I was feeling. 

"Autumn?" 

Deep breath. "Yeah, Kim Seung-goon." I shake my head and stand up, unsure if I was going to regret this decision or not. "Yeah, you can come in."