Autumn Angel | JHS ✔

.twenty-one.

Bags drop to the floor, the door shuts behind us, and shoes are kicked off, discarded and left to fend for themselves. I immediately collapse onto the couch and Hoseok follows behind me, draining down a bottle of water. He lets out a large breath once he's had his fill and I lift my hands, signalling I was in need for water as well. The cold plastic touches my skin and I immediately bring the opening to my lips to quench my thirst. I set down the water bottle onto the coffee table and Hoseok slides down onto the ground to sit in front of me, his single foot underneath him while his other leg splays out to the side. 

I reach forward to touch the strands of his lightened hair and Hoseok's hand lifts to play with the clear beads surrounding my wrist. We sit in silence for a couple of minutes until both of our hands fall to our sides. Hoseok reaches forward and presses a kiss to my knee. 

"Can you stay the night? You can take the couch." 

Hoseok laughs. "Isn't the offerer supposed to take the couch?" 

I blink down at him. "I was planning on taking the floor beside you." Hoseok's blank stare makes me burst out in laughter. "I'm kidding. I have enough floor mattresses for us to lay out on the floor together." 

Hoseok's lips break out into a grin. "As much as I love the idea, I have something I promised to do with a couple of my members tomorrow morning. Sorry, Angel." 

My lips pucker into a pout. "What could possibly be more important than me?" 

Laughter bubbles out of Hoseok's mouth. "Trust me, Angel. There are times when I want to run away from my job and only focus on spending more time and creating memories with you." 

"Then why don't you?" I ask, scolding him playfully.

The smile on his lips falters slightly and he gives me a look. "You know why. Plus, as more and more of my life is getting exposed to the camera, it's getting harder to remember who I am when I'm not trying to entertain millions of people. I would hate to share you with the world and expose you to that kind of lifestyle." 

I slide off the couch and onto the floor next to him. "Tell me more," I urge softly. I knew the struggles of his idol life was something he didn't talk about with someone enough. 

Hoseok's eyes drop and he runs a hand through his hair. "Everyday, more and more, I feel a pressure to act happy even when there isn't a camera directly in front of my face because I feel like there's always someone watching, always someone judging. What parts of our idol life that used to be kept private are slowly getting revealed to the public. 

"My group is known for being raw and honest, exposing the darker sides of this industry. Because of this, I'm forced to show sides I don't feel comfortable with sharing. I don't necessarily mind that part. It's just that at this point, I'm starting to lose the ability to differentiate J-hope and Jung Hoseok, and that scares me." 

Hoseok takes in a shaky breath and I extend my hand to rest on his shoulder, rubbing up and down his arm like he usually does with me. "It always makes me wonder, once my group disbands, will I even know who I am anymore? Will I ever be able to go back to a normal life? Will I ever be able to walk down a street without a hundred phones popping out to take pictures of me? Will I ever be able to go through an airport without the blinding lights of camera flashes and the shoving of fans? How much of what I am even off-camera is fake, because I'm so used to acting overly excited and happy?" 

I swallow and my other hand rubs my ear. I couldn't ever imagine having to ask my own self these kinds of questions. 

"I shouldn't be complaining. I have no right to complain. So much of my life other people envy and I know that. But what they don't realize is that there is much of their own lives that I envy. Who am I? Who am I really? As time continues to pass, I feel myself always acting partially like J-hope even when I'm completely by myself and alone. The only time I've ever truly felt like myself recently is when I'm with you."