we are flowers {cake au}

chapter 14; it's not enough but i'm sorry (december 26)

your soul is haunting me
and telling me
that everything is fine
but i wish i was dead
dark paradise; lana del rey

★ calum ★
ashton wordlessly packs away any random item he finds in calum's house. he leaves out the front door, and calum is glad because he's ready to break down. before he can, ashton's coming back through the door.

"he'll come around," he whispers. "he loved you so much."

loved. loved. loved. luke loved him. luke loved calum and calum took it for granted.

"he won't come around," calum miserably replies. "we've done the unthinkable. please leave now."

ashton leaves, and calum doesn't break down, but he also doesn't feel any better. he wishes he would've done more to show luke how much he regrets what he did. he wonders what luke is doing right now, wonders if he's doing some thing bad.

why shouldn't he be doing some thing bad? they've done the unthinkable. there's no taking it back.

calum takes note when the first tear falls, because it's an undeserving tear. he shouldn't feel bad for himself that he lost luke for good because it's his own damn fault, so instead he just feels bad that luke could be doing terrible things right now.

when the second tear falls, calum makes his way to the living room and strips the sheets off of the couch-bed hybrid (where the unthinkable took place) and he's on fire with self-hate.

why why why why did he have to be so stupid? why did he have to treat some one so dear and so lovely like absolute shit?

calum wants to light the disgusting material on fire. it was between his body and ashton's body and he wants to incinerate it, and then probably follow with burning himself at the stake to possibly show just how sorry he is.

if he's so sorry now, what in God's name possessed him to fucking do it? why why why why?

there's the sick sixth sense in the back of his mind telling calum that luke is not okay. luke is not okay. luke is not okay. luke is not okay. luke is not okay.

"where the fuck was this concern on christmas fucking eve?"

"i wish i would've been thinking then so i wouldn't have to think so hard right now."

"why did i forget about him?"

"why does he... why is he so... why is he so good?"

luke is so good.

calum is bad. luke is good. calum is bad.

luke loved calum and calum threw it away. luke loved calum. luke loved calum. luke loved. loved. loved.

"what is he doing all alone? is he hurting?"

luke is not okay. luke is not okay. luke is not okay. luke is not okay. luke is not okay.

"i can't call him. he wouldn't answer. he'd only hate me more. i hate me. every body should hate me."

calum was frozen, standing beside the disgusting piece of furniture, holding the revolting sheets, staring at his own hands. his own, pathetic hands. he is frozen in time, unable to move. unable to apologise and unable to speak.

whatever. he lost luke. it's his fault, but he lost luke. now he's sad and luke's sad and there's a big problem, but calum's frozen in place and is unable to fix it. he can't move. he can't.